L Is For The Way You Look At Me
by CileSuns92
Summary: A series of 26 adjectives linked to as many one-shots to relieve ups and downs of Meredith and Derek's relationship up until S8. Sometimes can be a fix-it fic, some others not. Are you on board? Edit: IT'S ONE-SHOTS, DO NOT READ THE BEGINNING AND THE END AND BASH THE WHOLE STORY. ONE-SHOTS, as in not connected with any tie, except the fact that there's an adjective in all of them!
1. A is for Anonymous

**Okay, since my exam session is over and I've been baking this story in my metaphorical oven for a little while, I'm just going to share it.**

**It's not a story in the proper sense of the word, but a series of one-shots, 26 to be precise, each one inspirated by an adjective. Honestly, I borrowed this idea from nattylovesjordy (ID:1276108) who wrote something similar for Bones. Her story is called "Love and Twenty-Six Adjectives". If you like Bones, well, check that out!**

**Anyway, I'll point out in each chapter to which part of the show the one-shot is referred, even if sometimes it might be obvious, then it would be followed by a song that has been either inspiring or meaningful for the adjective/one-shot. You decide if this is something you wish to read more of or it just needs to go back in my hard drive. **

**I hope I'll keep the canon Shonda Rhymes set in every one-shot and I warn you, some might be short, some other long, some other happy while other sad and depressing so well, just be patient. I know you are very patient. It will be told mostly by Meredith's PoV, it was simply easier for me to be in her shoes, both in first or third person. You'll notice when Derek will take over.**

**The title for the whole series is from the well known song L.O.V.E. by Nat king Cole or many other artists (maybe Michael Bublé covered that, uh?).**

**I planned sorta-weekly updates but you know how things go, right? So well, yeah, it's time to read this story!**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. It's in my Christmas wishlist, though. It's never to early to start one, right?**_

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><p><strong>Anonymous: <strong>Having an unknown or unacknowledged name.<strong>**

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><p>Set before everything. I know we got to see the scene at Joe's only in Season 3, but this is my little version of it.<p>

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><p><em>Suggested Song: The Geese Of Beverly Road – The National<em>

"_Serve me the sky with a big slice of lemon"_

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><p>Meredith sat at the bar stool and sighed, ordering a shot of tequila, her poison of choice for the night.<p>

She was proud of what she had accomplished during the day, but still she knew it wasn't enough. She was going to be a surgical intern in merely twelve hours and she couldn't wait for it.

Okay, she was scared, but she knew she could stand up for herself, she had done that all through med school, after all, no thanks to her mother.

Ellis had been transferred into a facility exactly that morning, and not without a fight. She had been her best self, in the end, shouting at kind nurses and blabbering about surgeries she had to get to. Then all of a sudden she quieted and revolved in her own universe, staring blankly at the new panorama outside the windows covering the whole wall in the visitors room at Roseridge.

Meredith listened to the noisy hum of people in the bar, feeling a little over dressed for the casual place. She had escaped the intern mixer with joy. She hated those events, because that's when her mother's name came out more often than ever.

Joe's bar instead was absolutely anonymous.

She knew most people in there were doctors: their pagers well on display, their faces tired, eyes rimmed with twelve-hours shifts. She knew a doctor's face.

And she recognized it even in the stranger that sat two tables away from her. His hands said surgeon as well, but she couldn't tell the specialty. Or maybe he was a lawyer and the smell of alcohol in the air had already an effect on her. He looked like someone who enjoyed talking anyway and he had a dazzling smile.

The man turned to the bartender with a gentle smile as he approached her, ordering a double scotch, single malt, then grinned.

He was in a red shirt but she knew right away that blue was his color when their eyes met, barely for a second. _Yep, definitely blue_. She could easily get lost in all that blue that stared back.

The smile though was what killed her resolutions.

"Is this seat taken?" he asked in a husky, gentle voice. He seemed a gentle guy all around, surely not the type of guy she usually brought home from a bar.

Meredith shook her head kindly in reply to the question, because despite the flavor for straight tequila, she was still a nice girl, with manners. Her mother had taught her at least those.

"So, is this a good place to hang out?" the stranger asked, and her eyes fell on his hair. It looked like he spent a lot of time on it, before going out. _Was that a habit? She couldn't tell_. He fascinated her.

"I wouldn't know, never been here before" she replied elusively, shrugging her shoulders before gulping her shot and asking for one more.

"You know, I haven't either. First time here, I'm new in town" he paused, waiting for a reply that never came "I've never been to Seattle. I have a new job, so" he smiled and again, Meredith felt all her resolutions of going home early-and-bright crumble.

_He was so damn attractive_.

"Aw, you're ignoring me" he smirked, cockily, confident. It seemed a little different now, than how he looked just a few moments before. There was a certain spark in what he did.

"Trying to" she smirked back, honestly, giving another go at her tequila.

The liquid burned down her throat, but not half as heatedly as his eyes on her. He had a way to look at her that never, ever she had felt. He made her shiver.

"You shouldn't ignore me" he smiled, sipping his drink

"Why not?" she asked, even before realizing it and he smirked triumphantly

"Because I'm someone you need to get to know to love."

Love. Love was a big word. But he didn't seem to have thrown that carelessly. He meant it, in a weird, crazy way, he meant it.

"Really?" she asked, a little amused and yet, scared as hell.

"Oh yes" he almost sighed, his tone joyful, filled with expectations, confidence and a little bit of hope, _maybe?_

"So if I'll know you, I'll love you" she smiled again for good measure and he nodded, his cockiness doubled, his head tilted to the side for a charming effect that had Meredith shivering again. She could blame the tequila, but she knew, it was something else entirely.

"Oh yes" he hummed

"You really like yourself, uh?" she smirked

"Just hiding my pain" he smiled, but something happened in his eyes, a veil of sadness lingered there. He chuckled though and everything dissolved.

He looked expectantly for her to continue the conversation, straightening up, then smiling softly again. Meredith though kept playing with her empty glass.

"Was that too much?" he asked, almost concerned, setting down his scotch. "I'm not really good at this" he admitted, suddenly vulnerable but yet, still fascinating. Maybe it was his game plan from the start, Meredith wondered. In fact, her head was working like crazy to place all the pieces of the jigsaw together and still, there seemed some details missing.

"It's fine. I just had a long day" Meredith admitted, her expectations for the following day, her first day, suddenly growing and multiplying.

"I can go, if I'm bothering you" he retreated a little at this, sliding his empty glass towards the bartender then straightening up to half-sit, half-stand on the stool.

"I don't mind you" she admitted. _Even if he did weird things to her stomach when he smiled_.

"So you'll keep ignoring me while I talk?" there it was again, the cocky smirk.

"Probably" she smiled back, a small, drunken giggle escaping her lips and she saw his grin stretch wide on his face.

At this point, Meredith decided that if he would take advantage of her, he totally could. She was open to every possible alternative the dark-haired, blue-eyed stranger offered her.

Maybe she could seriously love him, at least for one night.

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><p><strong>AN: Seriously, loved it? Hated it? Think I'm going crazy? <strong>

**I hope you'll be there to read B.**


	2. B is for Branded

**Branded: marked or labeled by a distinctive word or symbol indicating exclusive rights**

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><p><em>This chapter is set at the <em>_beginning of 5x20, __post "Elevator Love Letter", it's an exploration of the scene at the beginning, actually._

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><p><em>Suggested Song: Dream – Priscilla Ahn<em>

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><p>It had been a while since the last time Meredith had watched Derek sleep.<p>

It was the other way round, usually, when he woke up early to go fishing at the trailer or he simply woke up to make breakfast for everybody in the house. He had a certain big-brotherly quality when he did it and, especially after Izzie and Alex moved out, it had been a more than welcomed skill in the Grey household.

He was resting on his stomach, the sleeves of his tee slightly wrinkling around his biceps, his back rising and falling happily. He had draped one of his arms around Meredith's lap and he held her loosely.

He looked happy.

He had to be actually, after the great night they had; Meredith could still feel her whole body tingling at the mere thought, but it was engagement sex, after all.

Her brain froze on that thought: engaged.

Meredith Grey, child of darkness -and Ellis Grey- was engaged. To Derek Shepherd, renowned neurosurgeon.

He gave her a ring. With a small diamond and a simple cut. She had his ring.

She turned to him and watched him breathing evenly, every line of worry on his face smoothed by an imperceptible smile. He had been broody and unkempt for the last few days, he had been drunk, he had yelled and left his stubble grow into a thick beard, but he was still Derek. _Her Derek_.

He had surprised her.

She knew him and she knew he wasn't a patient guy most of the time. He couldn't wait for her, he couldn't breathe for her. This time though, he tried three times to get a yes out of her lips and she was glad she had waited.

She would have answered yes when he threw the ring, or the morning after, when he just came down the stairs and put the velvet box on the table. She didn't want romance, but she didn't want broody Derek either.

She loved him, every side of him, but he had bad timing. For almost everything, except in the OR, he was a complete mess. And they both jumped to conclusions too quickly, but they were built like that. There was no gray in his color palette of the world.

He was overprotective and cheesy, she was wild and sometimes too detached, but she was just playing the cards life had given her.

Even before putting that beautiful ring on her finger, Derek had shuffled her cards. He had put them back in the deck and he had started a new game. She didn't knew the rules, but she played and at first, she was lucky. Then the cards she took out of the deck became worse and worse, until the table turned back to her after he had played his own mess.

They had been through so many things together and still, there they were, in her bed, his arm draped around her, his ring on her finger.

She slid it off and put it under the sliver of morning light coming from the window. It sparkled and it screamed 'you are mine'. He loved her and the whole world would know.

She sighed, her head wandering for a moment to what came next and this time, the white wedding, the kids, the house in the woods weren't so scary. Scary, yeah, she needed time for all that, but they didn't trigger a panic attack like they could have before. He could definitely die at one-hundred-and-ten in her arms, she had no objections.

They were committed to each other and they were in love. His ring was sparkling on her finger and he was sleeping, not a worry in the world disturbing him.

She shifted a little, and he grunted, then snuggled closer to her and his automatic smile was still brightening his features.

The more she looked at him, the more she thought about waking up like this for the rest of her life, his body next to hers, his breath on her skin.

_And it felt wonderful_.

"Are you watching me sleep?" he asked out of the blue, his voice furry and muffled by the pillow as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, turning to her and rustling the sheets.

"No, I'm watching your ring" she grinned, looking down at his face and seeing him grin back created warm and fuzzy feeling in her soul that she thought she never had. His eyes were sparkling blue.

She ran a hand through his hair and she ducked down, kissing his lips softly, the passion of the night before simply pushed aside to give room to a simple, loving kiss. Her hand rested on his cheek and she could feel the metal band as she caressed his stubble. She grinned.

"What?" he said, still a little slow, blinking a few times.

"Nothing, just you"

He pulled her closer to his body and she rested comfortably against him, feeling his warmth seep through their clothes, safe in his hold.

Safety was a notion that had never been important with anyone before but in Derek's arms, she knew she was safe. He had saved her life, multiple times, despite everything, he had saved her life even giving her that ring.

"I can't wait for you to be my wife" he mumbled, lovingly, his hushed voice and warm breath quickly replaced by soft kisses on the curve of her neck and on her shoulder, his arms tightening just a little around her middle.

Meredith Grey was going to marry Derek Shepherd and right in that moment, nothing seemed more perfect than that.

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><p><strong>Okay, this was B. <strong>

**I wanted to thank all the people who reviewed this story, even anonymously, it means a lot to me to know if this story really interests you or not. I know it's a bit out of the usual canon, but I hope you won't mind.**

**I don't think I have mentioned earlier that most of the Adjectives will be explored from Meredith's PoV, since it's the one on the show and it just wrote that way by itself. I'll tell you when it would be Derek or some other character explaining things.**


	3. C is for Conflicted

**Conflicted: Made uneasy by conflicting impulses**

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><p><em>Post 6x24Pre 7x01. There was a lot missing between the two seasons, this is a short attempt in filling the gaps just a little._

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><p><em>Suggested Song: Maps – Benjamin Francis Leftwich<em>

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><p>"He woke up while you were away!"<p>

April Kepner's words were ringing in my head every time I closed my eyes.

She was there and I couldn't. She was behind him, distracting him, -distracting Gary Clark during that stupid shooting as well- and she even got to see him first when his anesthesia wore off.

I had been at Seattle Presbyterian and I had missed it. I was missing a lot of things, in fact.

I never wanted to open my eyes ever again and face the harsh reality awaiting out there, but I know I had to. It was part of the no running vow.

Derek was sleeping peacefully once again when I entered his room, a drug-induced peace that I knew wouldn't last for long, all the lines on his face smoothed, the pain disappeared, his stubble barely there.

I reached to stroke his face, his hair, to cup his cheek in my hand for a perfect fit like I did a hundred times and still, it all felt wrong. I intertwined my fingers with his and when I squeezed, he faintly squeezed back.

_Derek, alive_.

I looked up at him and his eyes opened groggily, fighting off sleep and anesthesia and memories, then he smiled softly, almost goofy and I couldn't help the tear that escaped down my cheek at the sight. I thought I'd never see that again.

_I wished I could see it on our children_.

I sighed deeply, breathing _in, out_, my eyes closing for a moment.

When I reopened them, he was staring at me, his hold on my hand stronger than before.

"Hi" he whispered and it was low, rough, primal. Broken.

"Derek" I said, raising up from the chair and kissing his forehead softly, ignoring the pain in my lower abdomen, in my heart, in my whole being. He sighed contentedly, like a grown up baby.

Even thinking the mere word 'baby' hurt, but Derek was alive, so I smiled when I sat back, disguising the wince. I was a little glad he was so drugged he couldn't see my pain.

"No break up" he mumbled and this actually brought a real smile on my face. He had promised in the OR and he had delivered and I was so happy that he did. So happy that for a moment I could forget about the miscarriage and feel the magnitude of the fact that he was still breathing.

"Yeah" I sighed contentedly, unable to articulate words, unable to think at 'what if's' and medical procedures. His hand untangled from mine and he stroked my arm up to my elbow, then he grimaced in pain.

"Slow down. It's okay, you're okay" I repeated like a mantra while he resettled, "You're okay"

"'m okay," he managed to mumble, then his eyes locked with mine and the veil of pain meds and hurt disappeared, leaving its place for a slight moment of concern as he asked, more clearly "Are you?"

My eyes unwillingly filled with tears and I swallowed thickly. _What if I say no? What will happen then? _

"Sit here" he almost ordered in a very resolute whisper, gently patting the bed to indicate that he wanted me on his right side instead of the left, and I followed his request; one more way to avoid tears was to keep myself busy.

On his right side, he had a wider range of movements and, after I sat -winching- back on the chair, his hand rose to meet my cheek and despite it took a great effort, he stroked my cheek and he managed to utter "It's 'kay if you're not fine"

I shook my head, but before I could think of an answer, I was crying, clutching his hand tightly against my cheek, hormones still wild, despite being only the faint reminder of everything that could have been.

And I wondered for a moment, what it would have been like to have him awake and tell him that we were having a baby, that we unconsciously created a tiny life that was growing inside of me. _Was the operative word here_.

"I will be okay" I sniffled, tears still flowing silently and I hoped there was some truth in my statement, something to hang on to, apart from the fact that Derek was alive and breathing.

"I know" he said confidently, his thumb wiping away my latest tear gently "We can talk 'bout 't soon" he slurred a little, but it was expected.

"I love you" I said, despite we didn't say it often, because I needed him to know that, even if we weren't having a child anymore, I still loved him and I was glad he was still there.

"Love you too" his voice was clearer, secure, unwavering.

"Get some sleep" I whispered softly and he nodded "I'm going to call your mother" I added and he smiled, pushing the button for the morphine, his eyes closing in command and he was in dreamland again, hopefully filled with beautiful images of blue-eyed chubby babies with charming smiles, chatty mouths and perfect hair.

'I hope he has his hair' Cristina had said and for a moment I let myself believe that we'll have another dark-haired, chatty baby sooner than we expected.

I kissed his forehead softly, brushing away a wild curl, staring at him -my husband, still alive- for a moment longer, then I picked up his phone and went out of the room, the door closing with a thud behind me.

Yeah, the door was closed but Derek was behind it, breathing, alive. And right then, it was more than enough.

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><p><strong>I know that is Valentine's Day and this chapter is rather sad. But what love is greater than this kind? <strong>

**There might be more about this span of time, since we got so little on screen. I hope the adjective used was clear enough. For now, this is all.**

**I wanted to thank all the people who reviewed anoymously (Juni, Anna and Kim), because I can't reply to them with a private message so yeah, here's my thank you. **

**I'm so happy for the response this story has gotten, it brightened my day. I hope you'll enjoy this until the end!**


	4. D is for Drunk

**Drunk: ****Intoxicated with alcoholic liquor to the point of impairment of physical and mental faculties**

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><p><em>Early Season 2, after Addison shows up, what happens in a random evening?<em>

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><p><em>Suggested song: Arms Of A Thief – Iron &amp; Wine<em>

_"Leave me alone but just don't leave me here alright?"_

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><p>Derek Shepherd had a wife.<p>

_A gorgeous, perfectly dressed wife, who looked like Isabella freaking Rossellini, dammit!_

Meredith, well, she was beyond mad, but that didn't really mattered. She just wanted to slap him right in the lobby when _She_ held out her hand and introduced herself as his wife. And he even tried to apologize!

Mad was an understatement.

She wanted to smash things, pretending they were his chiseled, crooked face, except that she was tiny and her fists were ineffectual, so she just went with the tequila, knowing that Joe was going to be way more trustworthy than Derek.

The counter looked extremely entertaining all of a sudden, every crease and every dark spot form past spilled drinks the only things she wanted to focus her mind on.

Thoughts on counters meant no Derek and thinking about Derek was bad at this point. Way worse than staring blankly at a dirty counter.

"You all right over there?" called Joe when he noticed her head laying limply on her folded arms, a fair amount of empty glasses piling next to her, turned over like she usually did.

"He has a wife, Joe" she moaned and she felt stupid.

Stupid for caring way too much, stupid for moaning to Joe about it, stupid to even be in that position in the first place. She knew she shouldn't have gotten too attached, she was a walking and talking magnet for disasters; so there she leaned, on the counter, feeling empty.

Empty except for the tequila swimming in her stomach, in her head, in her whole body, her throat burning and the bar spinning, even with her head laying on a cold, dirty surface. Everything around her felt cold and lifeless.

"Give me your keys" ordered Joe and she obeyed like a little girl caught stealing cookies, her fingers fishing in her purse to grab the cold piece of metal that she knew they were her keys. She couldn't even focus on the content of her hand without the whole thing fuzzing around the edges and spinning uncontrollably.

"You're a catch, Joe. Can I date you, or you have a wife too?" she sighed sadly

"I'm gay, you know"

"I knooow" she dragged the syllables of her last sentence, before standing up. If the world spun on the stool, standing up seemed like a freaking carousel. But when the world kept turning, her thoughts couldn't drift to Derek and she knew that the tequila had worked her magic.

She stumbled out and stupidly, decided to walk home. A few blocks had been good exercise, when she wasn't unbelievably tired and drunk to her bones.

She didn't have the time to even walk the first block before she needed to stop and heave out the whole contents of her fairly empty stomach, gripping a lamppost like her new found lifeline.

"Stupid brain man" she hissed, wiping her mouth clean when there wasn't anything left to puke.

Her head was somehow more clear with the vomiting and the chilly nightly breeze, filled with wet raindrops, waiting the perfect moment to start pouring buckets. She could tell when the weather wanted to rain, because in Seattle non-rain wasn't an option. It just set the mood and it made her feel a little less empty when finally the first drops splattered on her jacket.

She was dripping wet in a matter of minutes, but at least she felt something other than emptiness. She felt cold and lonely and really in need of a change of clothes, except her feet were dragging on the slippery pavement, not bothering to avoid the puddles they met on their way, it didn't seem important right here and there.

Meredith kept walking until her front door was in sight, not even believing that she made it through the pouring rain without actually knowing where she was going.

It all felt numb and pointless and freaking cold without Derek.

But Derek was an ass. An ass married to a gorgeous, stylish woman who looked everything but Meredith Grey and somehow she questioned if he had ever loved her in the first place. Maybe she had been just a quick fuck to get over whatever his marital problems were and somehow the fucking was good and became an habit.

She couldn't picture Derek like this kind of man, but before the last few days happened, she couldn't picture him with a wife either. That Derek was new, and clearly not hers.

The bed felt cold and wet as soon as she climbed in, the remaining rain on her skin mixing with the soft cleanliness of the sheets. They were soft, smelled perfectly and looked just ironed, except that she hated them. The dirty ones smelled like Derek, his aftershave, their sex, their stolen glances before drifting off to sleep in each other's arms. Those were clean. Like the slate she had to throw when Addison Montgomery-Shepherd held out her hand and smirked.

She would have smirked too, if she had been in her shoes. Except that she hated three-inches heels. And apparently Derek married that kind of woman.

She had been nothing but the intern from the beginning, the easy fuck, the thoughtless sex, the one night stand became an every night stand, but that was it.

And so Meredith Grey cried, after so many years that she had done that, she cried, because for her, Derek Shepherd had been everything but a quick screw. He could have been _it_, if they just had a little more time, as much as the thought alone frightened her.

Derek Shepherd was the one and he was married. And her tears couldn't be stopped.

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><p><strong>I hope you won't mind that this one-shots aren't really long. It's just that they are flickers, images that somehow I collected under an adjective and some are simply short. I didn't want to add much descriptions just to add up more words, they are just feelings. This is me, getting into the character's shoes and trying to tell you what it feels like. This one was harsh, I understand, both to write and read. Meredith's shoes aren't a good pair in this.<strong>

**So far, many of you like the idea of this story, but feel free to say that an adjective is not brilliant or either, tell me what you would like to read about. I tried to spread the story in all seasons, up to S8, since some are the direct consequence of watching the episodes and needing to vent.**

**I also wanted to thank the anonymous reviewers Juni e cahillfive, who hang out around my stories often but I never really thanked. Here's me, thanking you and all theother wonderful people who reviewed.**

**Classes begin again tomorrow, but I'll try to keep the updates coming regularly. My readers know that I suck at that, but I'll make an effort. Just for you :)**


	5. E is for Entertained

**Entertained: Pleasantly occupied. To extend hospitality.**

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><p><em>Sometime between Seasons 7 and 8. It can be anytime, really, you'll understand why.<em>

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><p><em>Suggested Song: Atlas Hands – Benjamin Francis Leftwich<em>

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><p>"That wasn't nice!" Mark frowned at the screen<p>

"Ouch" Derek grimaced as well.

They were sitting sprawled on the couch, a beer in their hands, contemplating the basketball game the TV was airing. Ray Allen had just shot right in the face of Stoudamire tying the game and the whole Boston Garden had exploded, with the despair of the two surgeons who were watching.

"I was a Knicks fan a while ago" Mark sighed, taking a swig of his beer, then his eyes fell on Sofia, sitting on the carpet playing with her toys.

"I remember when Dad brought us to the Madison Square, to see the Bulls" Derek smiled widely, but it died on his lips right after, his eyes focusing on Zola instead of in the past. She was babbling something with Sofia and clearly, the two of them were enjoying their time together.

"We drank so much soda that Dad had to run after us in the parking lot before going home. We were so excited!" Mark recalled as well

"We should go to Portland and see a game sometime, when the girls will grow up" Derek suggested "It's sad that Seattle hasn't got a NBA team anymore"

"Maybe we should try a NCAA one and see if they like it or not, then adventure in Portland" Mark chuckled, but somehow agreed.

"Yeah, maybe"

Derek smiled but for a second, he thought about how his life was going to be in ten years and he didn't know if he liked what he saw. Yeah, Zola was going to be a beautiful young tween, bright and happy, he would live in the house he was slowly building, they would have lots of Daddy-daughter time. But then, if he thought about Meredith, everything became a blur.

Deep down, even in this fuzzy, ten-years-from-now future, he new he loved her like he had never loved anybody else, but something seemed to stand between them. It wasn't a loveless marriage the one they were in, just a frustrating one.

After he spent the first night of Zola's stay on a sleeping bag out in the open, it all went downhill.

They weren't living together anymore. He took Zola four nights a week, when he wasn't on shift, spent some time with the baby at his trailer or around the city, then brought her home, then it all began again. Once or twice he had slept at home, when Meredith was on call and he didn't want to break Zola's practiced routine, except that he slept on the couch. He couldn't sleep in Meredith's -their- bed without her in it. It just felt wrong, no matter what.

Things weren't good between him and Meredith and he didn't know how to change it and fix whatever was left of their relationship.

Meredith was a frustrating woman to be with. The gray area in which she lived frustrated him. He had said things, she had done things and they were back to square one.

It worked like that between them and he didn't know if he'll be able to keep up with that in ten years. They were so similar in this and yet so different, that he didn't know how to make things work again.

"Oh, that's not a block man, it's...Even I can do better than that!" Mark yelled at the screen, jumping from his seat and shaking his bottle, making the liquid slosh and shaking Derek from his thoughts.

"I still haven't learned to watch games when little ears are listening" Mark smiled sheepishly towards Derek then, glancing quickly towards their two girls as they frowned at the adults who had disturbed their games.

"I guess we'll have to get used to that" Derek smiled, watching Zola, and the little girl grinned back when their gazes met.

They stared silently for a little while at the game, making faces and little comments as it went on, checking on the girls at every time-out or out-of-bounds whistle. It was something foreign, for both Derek and Mark, but they liked the idea of spending time as dads, together.

At halftime, Derek offered to bring more beer from the kitchen and Mark of course agreed. When Derek was back in the room, he watched Mark pick up Sofia from the mat and sit her on his laps, bouncing her and making her giggle.

"How do you do that?" he blurted out, without even thinking, he question rolling out of his lips before he could fully process what he wanted to ask.

"What? Make her giggle? It's quite easy..." Mark asked amused.

"No." he smiled sadly, then his lips formed a thin line "Be her Dad without even living with her" he confessed, swallowing thickly. He wanted to add more, to say more, but he felt the tears in his eyes already and it wasn't pretty, despite Mark had seen him cry already and he wasn't ashamed of that. He was ashamed of everything else.

"It's different, Derek. I knew from the start I wouldn't be a full time Dad, I just picked out the best from it. It saves me a lot of diapers change, lot of sleepless nights, I miss a lot of things, but I never even imagined to be a Dad in the first place. It works for me, I think I'm better at being a part-time Dad than a full time one. You're not me, Derek" he replied simply.

"I'm not sure I'll be able to make things work with Meredith" Derek whispered, avoiding Mark's gaze and moving to pick up Zola and hold her close.

"Of course you will! It's you and Grey, man" Mark smirked

"It's the three of us" Derek shook his head, kissing Zola's forehead lightly and the girl wriggled happily in his hold, until they sat next to Mark. "She's great with Zola"

"I know, I've seen her. It didn't surprise me though"

"Yeah" Derek sighed, snuggling Zola closer and scrunching up his nose. "I think I have to leave you alone for a while. Number two diaper is ready" Derek finally smiled to Mark, who began chuckling.

"Hurry or you'll miss the rest of the game!"

"Be right back!"

Derek disappeared in the bathroom, grabbing Zola's travel bag. He didn't even have time to start when the doorbell rang. He pretended to ignore it as he focused on Zola, trying to calm his racing thoughts. He had her and no matter how things went between him and Meredith, he was going to love Zola just the same.

Mark opened the door with Sofia on his hip, smiling when he noticed Meredith standing a little shyly on the other side.

"Hey Mark" she said friendly.

"Grey, come on in. Your favorite people are cleaning up in the bathroom, they'll be back soon"

"What happened?" she immediately frowned when he closed the door behind her, turning protective in a way that somehow surprised a little even Mark.

"Just diaper emergency. It's halftime, do you want a beer?"

"No, Mark, thanks, I have to drive" she replied "Hi Sofia" she cooed to the baby then, smiling brightly and making the baby giggle.

"So it wasn't really a play date. Or better, it was a play date for you boys" Meredith smirked, somewhat amused when she sat on the couch far from Mark, sideways to the TV, clearly not near Derek's spot.

"It was my idea. Sorry if you had to drive here"

"It's fine, really" she shrugged her shoulders "What are you watching?"

"The Celtics kick the Knicks' bottom" he smirked, looking down at Sofia

"I guess they are still winning" she smirked knowingly

"What are you implying with that?"

"They always kicked their bottoms when I was in college. I even went to their game a couple of times, it was fun"

"A Celtics-Knicks game?" Mark replied almost in awe

"Yeah, I had the season pass in my second year of college. It was a welcomed distraction and they had beer included" she grinned

"Have you ever told Derek that?" Mark stared at her wide-eyed

"No, I guess not" she looked away at the mention of Derek's name "Why?"

"He'd be madly jealous. He always wanted to have a season pass before his dad died"

"Oh" she sighed "That's why he never said anything to me" she shook her head, not surprised.

"How much do you know about his father?"

"Honestly? Not much. Except the way he died and some occasional quick memory" she confessed "It's fine, really, I know how hard it is for him to talk about him"

"It's the game on, yet?" Derek reappeared from the bathroom carrying Zola on his hip.

He stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Meredith, then he quickly recovered, plastering a smile on his face and sitting again next to Mark.

Zola squealed loudly when she saw Meredith and her face immediately brightened. She held out her arms and Meredith welcomed the little girl in her hold, saying a quiet "Hi" to Derek, before sitting back on the couch and kissing Zola repeatedly, making the baby erupt in the cutest giggles.

"The game is on!" Mark interrupted the cold silence almost too abruptly and Meredith focused on the screen, turning her head away from Derek.

He couldn't look away from her though.

She looked tired and a little bit uncomfortable as she rubbed Zola's back, holding the baby close. Zola was resting perfectly sprawled on her chest, but she didn't seem to mind the invasion of personal space. Not even when Zola began playing with her hair.

"Look Zo, look what a pretty basket Garnett made" Meredith whispered, pointing at the screen and Derek didn't know if he was more surprised by the fact that she knew the player's name or that she was a Celtics fan.

"It wasn't pretty, it was sneaky" Mark retorted and she grinned smugly.

"It was a good basket, Sloan. That fault there is sneaky though, looks like a block, but it's not"

"Oh, c'mon, it was clean" Mark opened her hands in resignation

"Nope, see his other hand, right on his chest. Totally his fault" she pointed at the screen as they showed the replay

"Man, I didn't see that" Mark sighed "She's good" Mark turned to Derek who smiled sadly, not really knowing what to say.

"She is" he simply replied and he watched her face fill with confusion.

"Did you play basketball, Grey?"

"No, but I liked to watch basketball players" she smirked, avoiding Derek's gaze.

It made Derek suddenly jealous. An irrational, insane jealousy that she could be with someone else. She was his wife, even if things were bad.

He sighed loudly, trying to calm himself down and finally he succeeded, when he began staring at Zola's eyes drop slowly as Meredith rocked her slightly as they watched the game.

They watched the second half of the game in a relative silence, avoiding curses and in the end, the Celtics win by ten over the slightly beaten up Knicks.

"So, your team won, Grey"

"Next time they'll play you can come over at the Grey hostel, I'll book the TV" she smirked, her way to thank Mark for the relaxing evening

"I'm in. Shep you buy the beers" Mark patted Derek's shoulder and for a while he just stared at them, he hadn't even realized that he was included in the plans.

"I have to go, Mark, it's past Zola's bedtime already" Meredith smiled. "Zo, say bye bye to Sofia" Meredith faked a wave as the baby slowly opened her eyes for a moment "We'll see each other at work" she said to Mark then.

She was almost halfway out when she turned around. Derek could see that it was hard for her to be standing there, he could see in her eyes the innate sense of flight instinct kicking back, but there she was, whispering to Zola "Say bye bye to Daddy too, you'll see him tomorrow morning"

He tentatively moved closer and caressed Zola's cheek "Bye Zo, have a good night and sleep through it, okay?" he smiled to the baby, kissing her forehead. "Daddy loves you so much" he whispered, looking up to meet Meredith's eyes.

"Bye Derek" she whispered, avoiding his gaze, then bolting out of the door.

Derek stood there a little dumbfounded, unable to move or say things or barely think. Everything was just so overwhelming. This afternoon had been the most time he had spent with Meredith in weeks and the guilt suddenly washed over him.

"Man, run after her" Mark spoke behind him

"What?" Derek turned, bewildered

"Do you think that she stayed here the whole time only to see the end of the game? She knew from the moment she sat that the Celtics were going to win. She stayed because you were here!"

"Mark, I don't..."

"Just go, Derek, trust me!" Mark practically pushed him out of the door and he heard him mutter to Sofia "Never marry a stubborn man, baby girl" as he closed it.

He began walking downstairs, but the more he walked, the quicker he was moving. He arrived outside running, when Meredith had just closed the door of her car softly after buckling Zola in her car seat.

"Meredith!" he yelled and she stopped, turning to him with a disbelieved, yet annoyed face.

"What do you want?" she said, the bitterness back in her voice.

"I..." he stood there at a loss of words, just staring at her.

"Derek, please, just go back inside"

"No" he said resolutely "Post-it. No running"

"You were the one who asked for space. You ran this time" she spat harshly, leaning away from him and slamming her door close without climbing in. "I don't want to yell in the middle of the road Derek, Zola is asleep"

"Okay" he agreed, somehow bending to her will, simply looking sadly at her.

"Derek..." she urged him

"I don't know where to start fixing things" he admitted and when their eyes met, emotions were surfacing.

"From Zola, Derek" Meredith looked away. "And I know I'm probably an awful mother, but I love her and right now she's my priority. If we need to make things work to keep her around, we'll figure something out."

"I want us to work, Mer"

"I know" she said "I'm not running" she said, climbing into the car

"You are leaving" he said matter-of-factly

"I'm not leaving you. Post-it, remember?" she managed a small smile, before starting the engine and driving away in the night, leaving Derek with a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

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><p><strong>Okay, this whole thing? Totally written before Jeremy Lin -well more like Linsanity- appeared in the NBA world. Oh and before Mark began speaking Spanish ;) <strong>

**This one is part of the adjectives I wrote trying to fix things in my head between season 7 and 8. Or later in season 8. There will be other 'curative' adjectives on the way, something I wrote right after seeing an episode and just needing to fix things. Here I haven't fixed anything, I just began. It probably shouldn't be part of this series, but I hope you enjoyed this anyway.**

**I'm sorry for the little delay, but classes have begun again and yeah, more exams in March. I'll never see the end of it, I'm sure...**

**Anyway, thank you for the love you are expressing through your reviews, it brightens my day, since it's a strange conception for a fanfiction and I was really worried people would just hate this. **

**I hope you have enjoyed this as well, I'll try to update F as soon as possible!**


	6. F is for Furious

**Furious: Violent, wild, or unrestrained, as in speed, vigor, energy, etc...**

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><p><em>S5 E16, Derek punches Mark after his revelation of sleeping with Lexie and the fact that Derek had lost an important patient, nicking her aneurysm.<em>

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><p><em>Suggested Song: Zero – Yeah Yeah Yeahs<em>

"_Shake it like a ladder to the sun_

_Makes me feel like a madman on the run_

_[…]_

_You're zero._

_What's your name?_

_No one's gonna ask you._

_Better find out where they want you to go_

_Try and hit the spot_

_Get to know it in the dark _

_Get to know it whether you're_

_Crying, crying, crying, oh oh._

_Can you climb, climb, climb higher?_

_Was it the cure? Shell-shock"_

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><p>The hospital was a busy place.<p>

I knew it, I've been living in one for such a long time that it was impossible not to know. Sometimes though, surgeons forgot. It was easy to get caught up in a trauma and forget of all the other surgeons, doctors, nurses, patients, families, visitors, technicians just hanging out in there. It actually marveled me when I did notice.

It was easier to get lost in the swarm of people while you stared at them from above the catwalk. It was a welcomed relief to watch their actions instead of playing in my head what I had said to Rob Harmot about Jen's burst aneurysm.

_I made a mistake, I ruined your life_.

It was written behind the lines, behind the tears welling up in my eyes, but Rob read right through it.

Yeah, staring at people was good, in this case.

I had been a neurosurgeon for close to ten years. I know how unpredictable my job is and yet, I couldn't make peace with this case.

Jen wanted to hear about my proposal, she wanted to know how Meredith would take it, how I would do it.

Jen had a baby she never got the chance to see.

Rob was right in calling me a murderer.

I leaned heavily on the railing, trying to cool down my thoughts with the coldness seeping from it, my mind in overdrive. Yesterday I was a surgeon, today I was a murderer, just like the guys who shot Dad or Tod Dunn, the patient in the Death Row. He was right when he suggested that we are the same.

He might have killed with an actual weapon, but I killed with a scalpel. Multiple times.

I am a serial killer for a living.

I heard footsteps approaching me, but I was too busy wallowing in my thoughts to acknowledge who was hesitantly standing on my right, waiting, tasting the waters. If the guy had any idea what was going on in my head he would have just left. Or threw me down the catwalk and make right to all the wrongs I had committed since I sliced open a skull for the first time.

"I'm seeing Lexie" a hesitant, but determined Mark Sloan said finally finding the courage to speak. "I'm sleeping with her too, but it's more than that" he began rambling and I straightened up, meeting his eyes.

I didn't care who was he sleeping with, why, how. I told him not to and in a second, all the anger I felt towards myself was released, Mark just being the lamest excuse to make me explode "We're happy, I'm happy" he added and if I wasn't upset before, all the resolutions I had not to punch him flew out of the window.

I stared at him, shooting daggers with my glare as I pondered what to do, until my fist collided with his cheek even before I could process what I was doing.

I felt his flesh under my knuckles and a little bit of my self deprecation dissipated when I saw him turn from the force of it and sway backwards.

"Okay, I think I deserved that" he mused, "You know what? I didn't deserve that, you have no right to tell me who I can sleep with" he snorted, cockily as his usual.

That simple statement seemed made to ask for more. And so my fist moved of his own will again, Mark's face making the same seventy-something degree turn as I hit him.

I panted, my anger still bubbling on the surface as Mark glared a me, touching his jaw. His eyes were blazing. It was good to see him angry. He was just as angry as Rob had been, the difference was that Mark could hit me, fighting back.

And I took it. Fully. Falling to the ground with a thud, the inches of skin that had collided with Mark's fists hitting and mocking me.

But physical pain was so much better than anything I had felt in the entire day, so I stood up, blinking as I put the world on focus again.

When I turned, Mark was walking away and it was unacceptable. I wanted to be beaten up to a pulp, he couldn't walk away.

I felt like we were ten years old again, when I jumped him form behind, chocking his neck with my arms and making the both of us fall on the ground from the force of my leap. I was winning this though and it was a pleasant feeling.

I pinned him under me, stopping his movement with my body as I hit his jaw repeatedly, like a machine, my knuckles hurting, but his face was the perfect release to all the anger I had been building up for days.

Mark didn't bulge easily though. He had never been the guy who took the hits without fighting back, not even when we were ten. He flipped us over, his fist slamming hard against my jaw in the exact same fashion I used before, his free hand coming to rest against my throat, stilling me and making my breath ragged and hard to come out.

This is what I wanted. Pain, I could deal with, but I needed more to forget.

I tried to push him away, my hand going at his chest first, then on his face and after a slap, I was able to made him stumble backwards, making him lose a shoe as he tried all his best to stay upright. I ran towards him then and, like a battering ram, I slammed against him.

Mark was quicker in reacting though and I was the one being confined against the railing. He gave back as many punches as I threw him, before I was able to grab his body and put him against the ropes.

It felt good and liberating and animalistic. It wasn't about him dating Lexie or him sleeping with Addison anymore, it was about me.

It felt liberating being fucking selfish.

At some point, I felt blood trickling down my cheek, but I couldn't care, I just kept hitting and hitting and hitting.

"C'mon" I recognized the far away voice of Owen as Mark's hold gave away a little while I struggled to fight back, almost buckling under his response to my punches.

"C'mon" Owen echoed and, after Mark delivered his last punch right on my nose, it was all over.

I was left there in a heap, groaning and touching the battle wounds on my face as I slowly rose and I recognized Meredith jog towards me, followed at her heels by Addison.

Meredith's face was a mixture of horror and disbelief the more she came closer, her lips parting to say something, but it remained stuck in her throat as she stared at me, checking me out.

I tasted blood and wished for my nose to be broken, for my body to be a mess just like my head was.

When I met Meredith's eyes I was also quick to avoid them and the shame deep buried there. I felt it, not just there but in all the eyes that watched me drag my feet away from the makeshift ring as Meredith tried to held me upright. I was a joke of a man at this point and I deserved every little hateful look I was receiving.

Meredith dragged me wordlessly into an empty exam room and forced me on the exam table. She stood in front of me and looked at me straight in the eyes, her blue-green orbs turning gray with anger.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she spat and I couldn't look at her anymore. But it wasn't okay for her, because she forced my eyes to stare back into hers, her soft hand guiding my jaw gently but steadily in her direction. She looked disgusted, for a moment and I couldn't blame her.

_How could she like a murderer?_

"Derek" she sighed and my name was more like a breath forced out of her lips than an actual request for my attention.

She prepared some gauze and peroxide, pushing away the hair from my forehead before cleaning up the gash on it. It stung, but it was nothing compared to the way her whole being was acting towards me.

"What were you thinking?" she echoed, this time her tone was way more concerned though, her fingers applying pressure on the cut to stop the blood.

"He's sleeping with Lexie" was the only thing I could voice in reply, the rest just too dark and too scary to be voiced out loud.

"And you punched him?" she stared squared at me, her head tilting slightly as she stopped her ministrations altogether. "I know I told you I was worried, but Derek, he hasn't done anything wrong yet"

"What?" I mumbled, still unable to understand why she was not mad.

"If he had dumped her, I would have understood, but Derek..." she shook her head, her lips twitching up in an imperceptible smile.

"Are you defending him?" I spat immediately, a sliver of the same anger that pushed me to punch Mark coming back and she flinched, backing away from me.

She stood stunned at a distance, staring at me with a strip in her hand, "I..." she began tentatively, her voice wavering.

"Are you?" my voice rose and she slid even further back.

She stared at me, simply stared, astonished and scared. It was the first time that I saw her afraid of me.

_My girlfriend was scared of what I had became_.

"I'm on your side" she whispered but her voice gained strength the more she spoke, her posture straightening, before she could resume her work.

She kept a distance though, like I was toxic and it felt like I was.

"I'm sorry"

The apology blubbered out of me without my consent, like the first punch I delivered to Mark. And just like the punch, it felt good.

"I'm sorry" I repeated "I'm so sorry"

The tears building up in my eyes were the next unexpected gesture that my body sent me and when I looked up I noticed through my thickening layer of tears that Meredith was closer. She was checking my jaw and her soft fingertips were touching my raw skin tenderly, like I could break. She cupped my face then and she stared deeply into my eyes, my lips forming another automatic "I'm sorry" when I blinked.

Then my face was nuzzled into her chest and I was sobbing. Full blown, unstoppable, ugly crying as she held me close, weaving her fingers in my hair, untangling the knots, massaging my skull as I breathed in her calming smell of lavender and my arms went automatically around her, pulling her closer, basking in all the comfort she was offering.

"It's okay" she whispered, calming, peaceful, rubbing my back with her right hand, mimicking all the gestured I did a thousand times to calm her or my sisters. "You are going to be okay" she repeated and I knew how fake those words were.

I was a murdered, I will never be okay, until I was in jail.

My tears simply escalated.

She then cradled my face in her hands, staring into my puffy eyes once again, her lips finding mine for a gentle but deep kiss, full of love and so many things I didn't deserve.

She pulled away, her cheeks slightly flushed, then she pecked my lips one more time, before nuzzling my skull in the crook of her neck and hugging me as tightly as she could manage without hurting me further.

"I know it has been a horrible day" she whispered, her hug loosening as she spoke "We are just gonna go home now, put some ice on your hand and face, then drink scotch" she sighed, caressing my injured cheek. "How does that sound?"

"I..."

I wanted to tell her that I didn't deserve anything she was offering. Not her cures, not her tenderness, her love, her soft fingers touching my face like I was about to break. I wanted to tell her to keep her love away from me and my tumor-like personality, but I could come up only with "Okay"

She smiled at that. A strained one, but a smile nonetheless. And a little burden lifted from my shoulders as she smiled.

Her smile was one of the reasons I wanted to marry her in the first place.

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><p><strong>So, angry and sad Derek. <strong>

**I know we had seen Meredith taking care of Derek's wounds already, in S4 in one of the first episodes I believe, but I thought that I'd show Derek's side of things after that awfully dark moment he went through in S5.**

**Maybe I'll go over some facts around that period in future adjectives, but for now that's all. **

**I wanted to update yesterday, then I got busy. This morning I had classes, then a train to catch, stuff to put away and...yeah, you know what I mean, right? **

**I hope you enjoyed this and again, thanks to all the people who reviewed, signed or anonymous ones.**


	7. G is for Groggy

**Groggy: stunned or confused and slow to react, as from blows or drunkenness or exhaustion.**

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><p><em>Between 6x24 and 7x01, after Derek's surgery.<em>

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><p><em>Suggested song: Forever - Moby<em>

_"I see you smile you smile like a little child  
>And hold you crying when it all goes wild<em>

Oh  
>We could feel this way forever"<p>

* * *

><p><em>Ouch<em>.

Moving a finger seemed a very hard effort and I had no idea why. My brain was a fuzzy mess and everything was black.

I tried opening my eyes slowly, but after only a flash of white, bright light, my eyelids brought back darkness. Or at least I hoped they were my eyelids. So I tried something else.

I moved my fingers, as slowly as possible and I felt hard, rusty sheets. I recognized them from the hospital, an old memory of a motorbike accident flashing in my head and, yeah, same sheets. I was in the hospital. Heck, I work in a hospital, I'm a surgeon, I know hospital sheets.

I tuned up my ears and at first, I could hear only an undistinguished buzz of machines, voices and what seemed steps, but the more I focused, the better I could discern everything. The main noise came from a heart-rate machine, it was soothing, a rhythm, a basic sound upon which everything built up. I heard a door swish open and I knew I was in ICU, because it was the only place at Seattle Grace with sliding, swishing doors.

_Wait, swishing? _Who had said that doors in ICU were swishing?

_Meredith_.

I heard a few voices, high-pitched, females, but even if I focused, I couldn't find Meredith's. _Odd_.

"Mer" it was time to try out his speech, but only this broken, hushed cry came out. It was a little pathetic, but my throat was on fire and I was sure she wouldn't mind it.

"Dr. Shepherd, you're awake!" I heard a shriek and I immediately recognized April Kepner, my sort of assistant, who probably had a huge crush on me from the day I gave her job back.

Not exactly who I wanted at my bedside after all this.

"Hmm" I mumbled, pretending to acknowledge Kepner's presence but in fact, just buying time, searching in my memory what happened.

"_You're a murderer!"_

And in a flash, I just knew.

I tried to move my left hand up to touch my chest, to feel if I was still bleeding, but something seemed to hold me back.

"Dr. Shepherd, please, you'll tear the IV" a voice in the background whispered, was that a nurse? I had no idea, but I knew I wasn't bleeding anymore.

"_Don't die, okay? Because that would be the worst break up ever"_

My almost-there panic attack vanished, when the image of Meredith popped in my head, her smile, despite her red-rimmed eyes, her soft lips over mine, her gentle hands caressing my cheek.

God, I needed her.

"Mere" I called out again, managing to add only a letter more.

"She'll be right here, she just went out for a second" Kepner said, and I finally opened my eyes to see her smiling. Over smiling. Fake smiling. It was almost nauseating.

But then I noticed, all the wires and the machines, the thin sheet on my lower body, and my chest, a huge gauze right in the middle of it.

As soon as I moved, a sharp, unbearable pain shot through my whole body and I almost cried out in pain.

Every single thing hurt.

"Hurts" I managed to blabber, trying to clutch my chest, but hurting more every more inch I moved.

"I'll give you some morphine, okay? Just go back to sleep" April intimated, then, after she pushed a button, I felt my whole body relax and the pain disappear.

In a blink, I was back into oblivion. _But where was Meredith?_

When I woke up again, the fog in my head was a little less thicker and I could manage to keep my eyes open in a few blinks.

But this time, I immediately recognized the fragrance of lavender around me and I knew, even without my eyes fully open, that she was there.

My numb body alerted me that someone, Meredith probably, was holding my hand and I squeezed it. Immediately after I saw a blonde head jolt up awake.

"Derek!" she said, half-surprised, half-freaked out.

I tried to smile and I breathed out "Hi" only to see her eyes fill with tears, then she broke down in front of me, her hand covering her eyes as she sat down, sobbing on the chair, her shoulders hunching over.

"Mer" I tried to speak, to sit up and comfort her, but it hurt so much.

"Shhh, stay put" she swallowed all her tears, sniffing loudly and cleaning up her cheek, immediately recovering. She stood up and set my sheet, caressed my hair then just looked at me and smiled, while a tear was running down her cheek. "I love you so much" she admitted, more vulnerable than ever.

"Love ya too" I groggily answered, still slurring my words a little.

Her lips came in contact with mine and suddenly, they were better than morphine. I wish she could keep kissing me forever.

"Hi" I said, when she pulled away and at that, she grinned

"Hey Derek" she replied in a quiet, intimate hush. "I'm glad you didn't die today" she smiled and I remembered saying the same thing to her, after the bomb went off. I managed a small smile as well.

"Me too" I replied, stretching out to find her hand, to feel her there and she immediately squeezed it, catching up on my intentions. "'r you 'kay?" I tried to ask, my speech again betraying me and letting out only a slurred jumble of she seemed to understand perfectly.

Her smile stretched, almost fake, then disappeared. Her eyes darkened, her tears build up, her free hand disappeared under the bed, probably on her lap, but then came up again. "I will be" was her reply.

She was sure, definite, even though something seemed to be off. Something big. And it went beyond the fact that I was laying in a hospital bed. She hadn't said she was fine, after all.

"Are you in pain?" she asked then, concern filling her already sad features

"Kinda" I admitted, knowing that it was pointless to fake it.

"Do you need anything?" she asked, her concern settling stably on her face.

"J'st you" I replied, only to see her smile. And she did smile, but it was still off.

She looked tired, drained out of her whole, usually endless energy. She was done. Burned out, like a candle and I had no idea how to make it better. In normal circumstances, I would, but at this point? Blank slate.

"C'mere" I intimated, patting the bed and, despite the absurd pain in my chest, I scooted to the side, leaving up a little room for her to sit.

"Derek, I'm gonna hurt you" she almost recoiled in fear.

"C'mere" I repeated, because no was not an answer I wanted to accept.

I tried to look at her with our look, the one I knew she was going to fall for. And indeed, she rolled her eyes and slowly moved to sit on the bed. She grimaced a little, her eyes squeezing shut and her breathing becoming a little more labored.

"'re ya hurt?" I blurted out, unable to keep the concern for myself

This time she hid her face from me before replying "I'll be fine. We'll be okay" then lifted up my arm and she lied next to me, scooting as closer as she could.

She brought one of my arms on the blanket over my stomach, the only part of my upper body free from any kind of wire or other medical stuff I couldn't even name right here and there, then curled herself under the other, moving my hand down from her hip -where I mindlessly put it, out of a habit- around her middle, right above her belly button. She laid her hand on top of mine, squeezing gently, and her legs curled around me as she sighed shakily.

It wasn't ideal, but it felt like home.

I buried my face in her hair, kissing the top of her head, then she sighed loudly again and I closed my eyes. There was something about her demeanor I couldn't pinpoint, but I was so tired to build up the courage to ask.

"Get some sleep, Derek" she whispered, that sound so broken and tired that I obliged kindly, knowing that sooner or later, we'll both get past this and be back to how things had been before.

The rest could just wait, because I was still alive and she was still in my arms.

* * *

><p><strong>We had a very dreamy McDreamy here, uh? I like to write him that way, once in a while.<strong>

**It's another take on how things could have been between the end of S6 and the beginning of S7. I said before that there were many things left unsaid, I understand why it had been done, but this doesn't stop me to fill the little void. This is why I wirte fanfictions in the first place, I believe. Maybe this one wasn't a piece where something happens, but it won't happen much in this series. **

**I hope this was in character enough and you didn't mind the fact that I used the same timeline twice in 7 letters. I'll be varying, don't worry. If you feel like I'm overlooking some parts, you can tell me. Or suggest things about my writing style or anything, really. It's the good part of having readers, right?**

**Well, I want to randomly thank all the readers and the reviewers of this little project exactly for this reason. And all the people who alerted it, it really means a lot to me that you are enjoying and appreciating this. They are still a little on the sad side of Grey's, but some happy moments will come, don't despair :D**

**Oh and that Moby up there, really a surprising one. I haven't really suggested anything more than in one line and a few words, but this, well, this song is worth a listen. I was unsure if I wanted to put Holding Us Back by Katie Herzig, the actual song featured in the early minutes of Grey's and during the shooting, just to make full circle, but then I opted for something completely different and absolutely unexpected. **

**I tried to use various artists all through the series, -b****elieve me, it was hard to avoid a The National feast for all 26 letters ;)- ****so feel free to add your musical suggestion if you feel like another song would have been better. **

**Stay tuned for H!**


	8. H is for Homely

**Homely: having a feeling of home; cozy and comfortable**

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><p><em>S3, E8. When Derek first comes back to the Grey household after their breakup, post boys in the wild. I borrowed some dialogue from the beginning of the episode, you will understand it, I'm sure.<em>

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><p><em>Suggested Song: Home - Tandy<em>

_"And there's no place like home, like home, like home  
>I must'a got lucky, I found my way back here somehow"<em>

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><p>The door of the 613 of Harper Lane opened with the usual screeching sound. It wasn't really unpleasant or in need of oil, it just felt like home.<p>

He watched as Meredith entered the hall calmly, almost as if she was enjoying the moment as well. He sighed and looked around.

There it was, the rack full of coats, empty places on the floor left for wet boots, a well-furnished set of umbrellas and rain jackets in plain sight, giving a taste of a place lived in at the old-fashioned house.

The most antique-tasting item in the hall was the little bench on which he had sat dozen of times, tying up the laces of his shoes before work or his trainers on the rare days he actually got out of the house for a run. Above it, the wooden staircase towered over the whole hall, leading to the upper floor while downstairs the rooms opened one by one, kitchen and living room one facing the other, then farther a bathroom, a guest room and a smaller room with a couch and a desk he had yet to define. It wasn't an office, but it wasn't a family room either. There were just books in it and probably it had been Ellis' favorite place to fill her paperwork. The light was optimal at all times of the day and even in the dark it was well lit. He wondered how many hours the surgeon had spent researching on that same oak wood or how many hours a younger Meredith would study there before he head fell on the smooth plain of the desk.

On the ground floor his favorite room was the kitchen though, despite Meredith's inability to cook something in it. There, the morning light framed her figure perfectly, then all the supplies and items seemed placed perfectly, yet lived in.

He remembered his kitchen when he lived in the brownstone with Addison, he was scared of leaving fingerprints all over the furniture each time he barely leaned on anything.

Meredith's kitchen was rich in wood and pastel colors, his old one was silvers and whites, cold not just to the touch, sterile. In the Grey's kitchen there was that lingering smell of cookies, cupcakes or cheesecake, sometimes even something more elaborate, especially after Izzie's occasional cooking bonanza.

He was a health nut -as the interns dubbed him- but he loved the smell of baked goods first thing in the morning or as soon as he stepped foot into the house. It reminded him of his childhood, when he would race with Mark and his sisters to grab the first cookie of the batch right after Mom had pulled them out of the oven, so warm sometimes they almost burnt their fingers, but the temptation too hard to fight off.

The smell of baked goods, very real this time, reached his nostrils when Meredith walked ahead of him in the kitchen, smiling at Izzie, busy at the counter.

"What are you making, Iz?" she asked, a slight cheer in her tone, the tiny bit of happiness he had missed so much when they spoke during the months they had been apart.

He didn't know whose fault was that mostly, but he was sure that he had made the ball rolling in the first place. _If he could have just told her about Addison..._

"Chocolate chip cookies" Izzie replied, excitedly smiling up from the batter she was stirring. "But this are for breakfast, they have to cool off!" she added immediately, eying the both of us with the same scolding glance my mother had used on us, without many results anyway.

I had been in the wilderness for two days straight and the coziness of Meredith's house was a welcomed relief. The bantering, the cookies, the pastel tones, sharing space with Meredith. It all was a welcomed relief.

"Oh, hi Derek" Izzie said surprised, smiling at me at the second glance she shoot up at us.

"Hey Izzie" I replied, searching for something clever to say when in fact, there was nothing. So many things had happened since I stepped foot in that kitchen for the first time. The last time though, as I professed my love for Meredith, openly and wholeheartedly, had been a memory to treasure. And I was standing almost in the same spot.

"I think I'm gonna take a bath" Meredith then informed, turning to none of us in particular, then she smiled slyly at me "With bubbles"

"Oh, I'm so jealous" Izzie sighed, digging into the batter even more forcefully, but smiling back.

I couldn't help but put a boyish grin on my face; the thought of Meredith in a bathtub with bubbles was very appealing. "I'll be right up" I whispered to her and she giggled, disappearing on the wooden staircase.

I waited a moment, just giving Meredith a little bit of time to herself, then I turned to leave as well, not before being stopped by Izzie's voice, though.

"Don't walk away again, Shepherd" she said, sternly but caring.

"I won't. I'm here to stay" I vowed and I knew that my heart was completely in Meredith's hands at this point. I was at her mercy. She set the pace, she dictated the tempo, I was just going to follow.

It was a different following from the one I had done my whole life, Addison the prominent example: she set the pace but I never spoke up, I never agreed either. With Meredith, her decisions seemed to be in tune with mine, so the problem was solved even before it could become a problem. And when it was, I actually wanted to fix it before it could grow between us like a massive tumor.

I smiled to Izzie, confidence seeping through each of my pore as I walked the same path Meredith had covered just moment before, unable to wipe the grin off my face as I stared at the first floor materializing step after step.

The third step before the last one cracked.

I could remember it like I had been sneaking out of there my whole life. And I purposely walked over it just to bask in the familiar knowledge of feeling home.

The doors of the rooms were closed, each one the private realm of one of the interns, except for the last one, Meredith's, into which I had made very fond memories.

I entered there and I was swamped with all of them all at once. Drenched in the idea of her. Basking in the feeling of rightness that all of a sudden filled me.

Every little bit of that room, from the unkempt dresser to the clothes haphazardly scattered on the floor, screamed Meredith Grey, surgical intern. There were books, Journals of Medicine, a map of Seattle and surprisingly, a photo of them on the nightstand.

It wasn't exactly them, more like the back of their heads, staring into space. I remembered Izzie taking it, one day when we accompanied her on Bainbridge and I offered to carpool with her to one of the best bakeries in Seattle. We were standing on the dock of the ferryboat, our car out of the picture, while we both were standing still, facing the water as the ferry approached the port. Her body was wrapped in my arms, my dark, rain jacket was covering hers, her body huddled into mine, her hair loose in the wind. It had been a good day and I knew why she had kept the photo on the nightstand.

If I had a photo of her without her face in it I'd cover the entire trailer with it.

Right in that moment though, Meredith was barely a few feet away from me, soaking in a warm bubble bath, naked.

She was there.

I quickly stripped out of my clothes, in a moment the tiredness of an entire workday catching up with me. I draped a clean towel around my waist and I entered in the bathroom, knocking lightly but making my way in before hearing any kind of reply.

And there she was, exactly as I had imagined her.

She smiled broadly at my scarce attire, her eyes darkening, a dangerous twinkle appearing there.

"Can I join you?" I said, trying to be casual and not even a bit sexual in the request. She definitely appreciated the effort, nodding and sliding a little ahead to make room for me.

I stood behind her and loosening the knot of my towel, I sank in the warm water, sitting right behind her and encircling her body with my arms. She let go of every previous inhibition she had in the day and leaned heavily against my chest, her eyes closing as her head found my shoulder and a loose strand of her hair tickled my chest.

In a second, every curve of her body, the body I had dreamed of for months, was right there, at hand's length, not just arm's. It was almost too perfect to be true.

My lips found the back of her neck and she tilted her head to make room to my kisses, her body squirming slightly, her eyes shutting again in bliss.

"What did I say?" she stifled a moan, pulling away a little from my hold as I resumed to kiss her perfectly smooth shoulder.

"Seriously" I mumbled on her skin, amused

"Seriously" she echoed, her body bending unwillingly to my kisses.

"Seriously" I moved up to nib her earlobe then, her skin heating up under my touch, her neck craned to the softest, sexiest angle.

"Seriously, we're taking it slow" she complained, but it fell to deaf ears.

"I can take it slow" I teased in a husky tone "I can take it incredibly slow" I whispered in her ear, before kissing her cheek, rubbing my nose against her skin.

"Well then take it slower than that" she said a little irritated as I chuckled, her body language though betraying her true intentions. "We're starting fresh"

"And starting fresh means no sex because..." I inquired, amused, my arms around her tightening, my voice muffled by her skin.

"Because we started with sex last time and it didn't go very well plus the waiting is fun and we need the fun" she sighed, emphasizing her point with the cutest pout "Now I wanna be bright and shiny" she grinned

"Bright and shiny, uh?" I echoed her words again, too lost into kissing her to say something coherent.

She giggled, a warm, happy giggle as I pulled her even closer, not an inch between us, even without making love.

Her hand wrapped around mine and she squeezed, tightly, despite the heat of the moment, before she brought it to her lips and kissed each one of my knuckles, driving me crazy on sensory overload. Then she just sighed and relaxed again against my chest, wrapping my arm around her body and staying there, quietly.

"It feels like home" she whispered over the silent bursting of the bubbles and it was like her bathroom became our little world.

"It always feels like home with you around" I replied cornily and well, I expected the giggle that escaped her lips, but not the full blown laugh that succeeded it.

Even if she denied sex, I knew that right in this moment, laughing with her was way more important than anything else and I knew, more than ever, that Meredith was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, no questions needed.

And it felt good. It felt like home.

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><p><strong>Okay, that bathtub scene got a lot of loving and there wasn't really something missing here, I just wanted to explore this from Derek's perspective. It feels like I've been in Meredith's head forever, so I wanted to change a little, hence G and H.<strong>

**He has that weird feeling you have when you step foot in your house after you've been on holidays or you left for a period of time. Getting back the same smells, the familiar places, the habits you almost got used to not have anymore. It's all a comfort thing. In other words, I wrote a warm and fuzzy Derek Shepherd, longing for the "brothel" where Meredith lives. I hope you didn't mind me recycling real dialogue either. **

**[Disclaimer: all the dialogue here used is not mine, it belongs to Shonda Rhimes, ABC and the rest of those amazing people working on Grey's. And I'm not one of them, unfortunately]**

**If you listen to the song -please do- you'll recognized another funny moment in the Grey's chronicles I wanted to include but it was already perfect. **

**Well, I'm glad you read yet another adjective! You people are amazing!**


	9. I is for Infatuated

**Infatuated: ****Possessed by an unreasoning passion or attraction**

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><p><em>Season 2 between episodes 7 and 8, "Something To Talk About""Let It Be". You'll recognize the scenes I decided to complement_.

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><p><em>Suggested Song: Miss Halfway – Anya Marina. It's the actual song of episode 8, you all know that. Elevator scene, that's all you get from now.<em>

_"Says I'm imperfect in every way  
>Miss Almost<br>Miss Maybe  
>Miss Halfway"<em>

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><p>Charts became suddenly my main point of interest while Meredith was around and even when I was going to grab one to keep me focused, she was there. It was hard to stay away from her and at the same time, I couldn't bear not looking at her.<p>

She was leaning heavily on the nurses' desk, a pen in her hand, scribbling notes and signing charts and God, she was beautiful.

Her hair was a mess, she looked tired, drained by this whole ordeal I put her through and still, she looked amazing, even in her scrubs and lab coat.

"Turn around, walk away" Bailey appeared out of nowhere, effectively stopping my calm trek towards her and my umpteenth apology.

"From what?" I replied dumbly, trying to maintain my façade.

"From my intern" she said, very maternally, sounding anything like the Bailey everybody knew.

"I wasn't..." I tried to keep my cover, speaking confidently, smirking, but my charm has never worked on her

"Yes, you were" she spoke resolutely her gaze softened imperceptibly and she added, almost sadly "Look, you don't have the right, not anymore"

I knew she was right, I didn't have the right to go there and mess up her life, making the whole hospital rumor mill talk about her. Every person in the building turned to look at her every time we shared a room or even an aisle, waiting for us to jump at each other throats or maybe just jump each other. Bailey was right, I had lost any right on her and the mere thought was unbearable.

"I just want to make sure she's okay"

"She's not!" spat her "She's a human traffic accident and everybody is slowing down to look at the wreckage." she stopped again "She's doing the best she can with what she has left. Look I know you can't see this because you are in it, but you can't help her now." her voice became almost a plea "You are only going to make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend"

I hesitated, my gaze flickering from the wall to Meredith, then back to Bailey and I thought I was going crazy, my head on the verge of exploding because I just wanted to be around her, I didn't want to look at any wreckage I made, I just wanted to be there for her.

"Go on!" intimated Bailey, glaring at me and a realization dawned on me: I couldn't be there for her anymore.

So I nodded and I walked away, leaving her behind, not choosing to fight for her once again, going for the easy way out, because that is who I am, the guy who looks for comfort.

She had never been comfort though, not even the first night, when she appeared in front of me in her black dress. She was the fresh air I needed and that I still lacked of at this point.

Maybe she needed to have her own fresh air; I could understand that, but it didn't hurt any less.

I went to the trailer that night and I couldn't help but picture how miserable she looked every time our eyes met and how I longed to hold her in my arms and comfort her, telling her that I will never leave again. It would sound fake to her ears though, because she had came second once and what happens once could easily happen a second or a third time. I know she believed in this.

I did this to our relationship and I had to pay every consequence, even her telling me in a whisper, while looking straight ahead in the elevator "I miss you" her voice muffled by the shrugging of her shoulders, hesitating, her forehead displaying a weird Hello Kitty band-aid.

Her smell was intoxicating, her body there, her whole soul buried in three words and still, as I stepped closer to her, her body unconsciously made room to me. She moved away but she secretly wanted me to grab her and kiss her. Hell, I was the one who wanted to kiss her right here and there.

Instead I breathed her in and said "I can't", choosing my vows once again.

She sighed deeply, on the verge of tears and I realized, walking away, that I did that to her, I destroyed her, abandoned her, I helped her rebuild the wall around her heart that she was slowly tearing down.

I ruined Meredith Grey's life.

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><p><strong>It wasn't one of my best chapters, I know. They'll be better. And hopefully in Meredith's POV. Also, this one was short, I know. I have a copule of them which are really short and I apologize. They just cme out this way and I felt that adding stuff just to make a higher words cound was absolutely pointless. I hope you agree with me on this.<strong>

**I also made you wait a long time, but first an exam, then I had e-mail issues so I posted after like a week, which is something I would have never wanted to do with this story. Again, life has a way with this...**

**Stay tuned for J, it will be sad, but you'll like it, hopefully!**


	10. J is for Joined

_**Joined: connected by a link**_

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><p><em>End of 5x17, post the "You're a lemon!" scene. There's a link below to refresh your memories if you forgot a few lines, it might be needed.<em>

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><p><em>Suggested Song: A Message – Coldplay<em>

"_And I'm not gonna stand and wait__  
><em>_Not gonna leave it until it's much too late__  
><em>_On a platform I'm gonna stand and say__  
><em>_That I'm nothing on my own__  
><em>_And I love you, please come home"_

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><p>"I'm not bailing. We're in this together" I yelled.<p>

And I was in this. I was so into this that as soon as he slammed the door of the trailer and I sat in my car, I couldn't drive away.

He was angry, he yelled, he slurred when he talked, but he was still Derek.

My Derek.

He had seen me in the dark and he did bear it, it was my turn to support him. There was a ring and I was ready. I didn't want anything else but the ring that he threw with a bat in the woods.

The night was darker than usual, heavy clouds slowly nearing to form a storm and I was still stuck on his land, waiting for him to maybe come out and tell me he was sorry. Or yell more. Either way, he would come out sometime.

It hurt, being called a lemon.

It hurt, knowing that I wrote books on hiding, quitting, running.

It hurt, hearing the love of my life saying that I'm incapable of commitment but still, I'm out of his trailer, in the middle of nowhere, waiting for a storm.

I didn't want an out.

I didn't want to leave.

I wanted a ring, his ring. A lifetime. Dying at one-hundred and ten in his arms.

I wanted the same things, but he probably didn't want them right here and there.

I waited in the car for him, until the rain started pouring, the full force of the storm blazing on my car, heavy raindrops falling on the windshield while I watched and waited and watched and waited.

It was a soothing sound, something that reminded me of the many rainy nights spent in the trailer, in his arms, in our private cocoon, where everything seemed so easy and perfect and warm. There was a metallic roof between me and the torrential pouring rain then, something in between, just like I needed to put something between this fight and us.

I always said things I didn't mean while I was drunk.

I said to a guy that I loved him in college, after an epic Halloween party.

I said to my mother I wanted to go to Med School.

I said I was just a girl in a bar.

Alcohol does wonders to let you tell things you don't mean, it makes you believe things are easier.

I was sober and I was in this, though.

"_Leave, Meredith, leave!"_

It was the first time he really yelled in a long time. It reverberated in my head, in my body, in my whole soul, but I was still standing there, staring him down.

Because there was a ring. And I wasn't bailing.

His dark figure got out of the trailer while it was still pouring rain. He was a bit unsteady on his feet, a heavy, half empty bottle in his hands, probably from his stash of scotch, then his words broke the heavy pit-pat of the rain.

"Go home Meredith!" he shouted from the same spot, his voice slurry, broken, drunk.

I remained there though, staring at him, waiting for him to, I don't know, pass out, start puking, throw things again, my heart breaking for him. He sat on the steps instead -the same steps when he confessed that he was drowning and I saved him- and swig his scotch one, two, three times.

I got out of the car, the rain still falling but slowing down its rhythm, and I sat next to him, just like that night.

"Leave Meredith" he repeated "Go home" like a broken record. But I wasn't bailing.

I sat to his right, holding out my hand for his scotch. He stared me down carefully, wary, then handed me the bottle and I took a swig with him, forgetting for a second that the only time I liked scotch was when I tasted it on his lips.

If he wanted to get drunk, I could be in this with him.

I wasn't bailing, not anymore.

Derek Shepherd was my forever.

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><p><strong>Link to the original. Just delete the spaces: youtu . be  d74kZbEjLYw**

**At first, when I watched this episode for the first time, I just couldn't stand this. After the bomb episode aired, it was tied with this on the scenes I couldn't bring myself to watch. And then somehow I did and I found so many wonderful things in that short clip that I had to write an Adjective about it. And Meredith yelling "Derek Shepherd, you are drunk!" was just priceless. I loved her in that. Somehow, this one, right there, it's in my top ten favorite scenes between the two of them. Deal with it. I just randomly re-watch it, an Adjective was bound to happen.**

**It doesn't really go anywhere, but which one of those one-shots does?**

**I had a hard time choosing the song as well, but I think the lyrics speak alone. I had a few other possible suggestions, if you want them just ask. It was a really last minute decision so I hope I choose right. And it's probably gonna be one of the few songs you'll actually recognize by the title only ;)**

**I hope you liked this and again, this one was short. I hope it was enough, though and the adjective wasn't random enough for you. **

**Stay tuned for K, it will be on a happier note, hopefully!**


	11. K is for Keen

_**Keen: sharp, vivid, strong**_

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><p><em>Post 1x08, "Save Me", when Derek brings Meredith to the trailer for the first time. Here is the aftermath.<em>

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><p><em>Suggested song: Each Coming Night – Iron&amp;Wine<em>

"_And we'd lay in rooms unfamiliar, until now"_

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><p>The first thing she heard when she woke up, were birds.<p>

_Wait, birds?_

Meredith groggily opened her eyelids and blinked twice, before remembering that she was at Derek's place. Trailer. Home. Whatever.

She had pushed him for details the day before and he charmingly gave her a collected, perfect summary of his most important facts. They didn't discuss it further, the long day having a toll on her and the idea of spending -err, wasting- an entire night talking simply not appealing to her. Especially after withholding sex for two nights in a row.

After the mind-blowing sex and the few hours of sleep she got, finally it all caught up with her.

He had four sisters, a herd of nieces and nephews, he cheated on the Sunday crosswords, he didn't ride motorcycles, read Hemingway and liked The Clash.

Why she suddenly wanted to tell him more? Why she wanted to tell him that she grew up lonely, that her favorite color was lavender and that she never cheated on crosswords when she had the chance to do them?

Why she wanted to _know_ even more?

She squinted at the morning light and moved slowly, shifting and stretching in the bed. She had never slept as good as she had slept in Derek's arms.

She tried to untangle from the covers, only to stretch one arm and notice that Derek wasn't there. The sheets were cold, but the sun was high enough that she could tell it was past seven already. She rolled on her back then sighed happily as she stared at the ceiling. She closed her eyes again and listened to the birds chirping.

She definitely liked this place. She wondered why it took him so long to show it to her.

When she finally was awake enough to stand up and not tumble on her shoes, she picked up her panties from the floor and stole one of Derek's t-shirts laying on the nightstand. It was soft and so him that she couldn't help but put that on.

She looked around and took in the small place where he lived. Despite the narrow spaces, everything was neatly arranged, and nothing seemed missing. It didn't look comfortable to live there for long periods of time, but then again, he was a surgeon, who lived alone, what was better than that?

She moved to the little kitchen looking for coffee and found a slightly lukewarm pot already there, a note on it. She smiled, picking up the post-it he left there.

"_I'll be back soon with breakfast, hopefully I'll have something and you'll be awake. Make yourself at home and enjoy your day off_" he had written with his scrawny, doctor's handwriting, but still, it warmed her heart. She turned it and there was a note even there "_You look beautiful when you sleep_" he had added, and somehow she could imagine him writing it, a smile etched on his face as the pen traced the letters on the paper.

She taped the post-it to the table and went in search of a mug. She tried the cupboard and found plates and mugs at the first try. She wondered if somehow she was meant to be there this morning.

She smiled, pouring herself the coffee, then opened the door of the trailer. It was still a little chilly, but if she found some sweatpants to wear, she could easily sip her coffee outside.

She went back inside the trailer and her eyes were caught by a gray piece of clothing peeking from Derek's side of the bed. As expected, they were sweats. They definitely didn't fit her, she had to gain at least a few pounds before they could even loosely stay up, but as long as she sat and she pulled the strings, she could make them stay up and finally sit on the deck, waiting for Derek as she basked in the rare morning sun.

She closed her eyes as she waited, the warmth of the coffee and the smell of it making her feel at peace. The past weeks had been long and this moment in time, right here, relaxing and reconnecting with the nature, somehow were exactly what she needed.

She had planned on spending with Derek most of her day off, pretending not to notice that he had scheduled his shifts along with hers already, despite they were together from barely a month and they were trying their best not to be noticed actually together.

Her roommates luckily had accepted their relationship, especially Izzie now was supportive of them.

"_Oh my God, you're falling for him" Izzie said, surprised_

"_I am not." Meredith said resolutely_

"_You so are" Izzie shook her head_

"_No, I'm not!" She jumped from the counter, walking closer to Izzie_

"_You so are. Dammit, your poor girl" Izzie sighed, shaking her head_

_Meredith stopped and turned to Izzie "It's just that he's so...and I'm just...I'm having a hard time"_

"_You're all mushy and..warm..and full of secret feelings." she said, placing a slice of cake in front of Meredith, then sipping her coffee_

"_I hate you. And your cake" Meredith said, taking a bite and holding up her fork _

_Izzie smirked at her reaction "The cake is good"_

_The two looked at each other and suddenly, they had a understanding._

"_So, how hot is the sex?"_

She clearly remembered that evening. The cake was divine, but realizing that she was falling for Derek Shepherd, somehow made her enjoy it even more. She was scared as hell, but she felt good when she was with Derek, he made her feel almost normal and she craved normalcy from the day her father had walked out of her house when she was five years old.

She wanted to be happy and bright and shiny, like all the other people she met on a daily basis and with Derek, she almost could.

She snuggled into his clothes, curled up in his lawn chair, her knees up, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the one of his coffee, multiplied by the fact that she was falling in love with him.

She probably already was, head over heels in love with him, but she was too stubborn to admit it, even to herself.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty" she was interrupted by his soft, sexy voice and before she could open her eyes and meet his, she was already smiling.

"You ditch a damsel in the middle of nowhere?" she smirked then she squinted against the sunlight to put his face on focus and not barely stare at a blob of black. She frowned when she noticed his fishing jacket and rubber boots.

"I was catching breakfast" he said plainly, holding up a fish from his hook, its scales sparkling in the sun and flickering tiny rainbows.

"Breakfast?" she asked, still frowning

"Yeah. You're gonna love it, I promise" he smiled, then moved closer to her and placed a kiss on her lips, while she kept string at him a little taken aback.

"You smell like woods. And fish." she scrunched up her nose, just to mock him. He smelled like Derek.

"I sat near the river for two hours to catch this trout"

"Two hours?" she said, shocked

"Yeah, I went to the stream down there in my land to catch something. I told you I like to fly-fish" he smirked again, cockily

"At five in the morning?"

"You were pretty tired last night and I didn't want to wake you as I prepared breakfast or I read a magazine. I couldn't go back to sleep" he confessed

"I was snoring, wasn't I?" she sighed, defeated and he just cocked his head to the side, amused. She swat his arm "Hey, you'd better get used to that because I like this place and I can't eat trout every time we stay here!"

"So you plan on coming back here?" he smiled widely

"Yeah, if you want to?" she felt the need to ask, smiling timidly.

"Of course I do" he was grinning widely then "You know, you look good with my clothes on" he smirked again

"If I had stuff to change into, I wouldn't have borrowed yours" then she was attacking him with smacks. "You're lucky that you're holding my breakfast and I'm hungry or you would have been already running away from me in the woods" she pouted

"So trout trumps me?"

"Right now? After all the sex we had last night and the weeks I've just been through? Oh yeah. Right now food is my priority"

"Will this change your mind?" he said moving closer to kiss her favorite inch of skin on the back of her neck, suddenly awakening again all her nerves, her hold on the mug slackening considerably.

He grabbed the mug from her hands, as he kept kissing her, then passionately captured her mouth, his tongue making her feel things that somehow seemed new every single time. When she moaned, he pulled away and went inside the trailer, chuckling as she groaned in frustration.

"You'd better come here and finish what you have started" she hollered, suddenly her hunger gaining a completely different meaning.

"So, I'm better than some sparkly rainbow trout, uh?" he said, peeking from the trailer's door and grinning at her, empty-handed.

She broke out in a smile then stood up to meet him halfway, kissing him just as passionately as he did, feeling his strong body mold under her hands.

"Definitely better" she smiled, their noses touching as she stared deeply into his eyes.

Yep, she was in love with Derek Shepherd.

And right in that moment, it didn't seem bad at all.

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><p><strong>The part in italics is a flashback, taken right from the show (a show that I don't own). Must have been episode 6 or 7, I can't remember. But you do remember the scene, right? <strong>

**I told you K was going to be happier. And how happy and flirty and all sorts of things was Season 1, uh? Well, before things crumbled, that's all. **

**The adjective was a little subtle this time around. It's not as literal as other have been, I believe. Was it too forced? I hope you liked it anyway. It was fun to write and finally it wasn't as short as the others. And it actually happens something here, whoho!**

**Well, then, I wanted to thank all the 'anonymous' reviewers and the signed ones, the readers and the people who put this in their alerts, you are really amazing and the real reason this story is being posted -and is already finished- in the first place. I have the whole series ended, so don't worry, it will be completed, maybe with even quicker updates than before, if I'm a little less busy. Again, thank you for being there, readers!**

**Stay tuned for L and feel free to guess the next adjective, Maybe I'll get more ideas for some more stories/one-shots!**


	12. L is for Lackluster

**Lackluster: Lacking brightness, luster, or vitality; dull**

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><p><em>Season 6, when Derek is Chief, a random episode, just pick one, it makes no difference for me. I'd say towards the end of the season, though.<em>

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><p><em>Suggested song: Marry Song – Band Of Horses<em>

"_And weary my mind is, to  
>Say the least its been<br>Awful hard to just stand on my feet, I think  
>I'll slow down if I am able<br>I won't drown in the ocean  
>Or starve in my place at the table<em>

_Lucky ones are we all til it is over_  
><em>Everyone near and far<em>  
><em>When you smile the sun it peaks through the clouds<em>  
><em>Never die for always be around and around and around"<em>

* * *

><p>"Chief Shepherd, this is the latest budget report, read through it, then sign it for the board to approve"<p>

The perky nurse slammed the papers on top of the already existing pile, exiting the room with an overly-enthusiastic smile.

Derek glared at the papers, then, knowing it was utterly pointless and childish, he sighed, leaning back on his leather seat. Surely, being Chief had its benefits, like said chair, but the rest it was a whole load of crap.

He had been so swarmed with papers that he almost didn't know how a scalpel looked like anymore. He hadn't been so swarmed with stuff to read through since Med School and when he left it, he was sure he was done with all-nighters over papers for a long time. Instead, there he was, stretching his shift of an hour just to get more things done.

He hated it.

He had been so happy when Richard gave him the position that for a second he had overlooked all the crappy things he was getting into.

He missed being a surgeon, he missed a really complex aneurysm to clip. A tumor like Isaac's, so complicated that he'd need to draw it on a wall. A medical mystery. Heck, he'd troll for an appendectomy, as desperate as he was.

The pen he was holding fell limply on the latest order for supplies, which was positioned exactly over a series of lawsuit he had to sort out in the next month. Then there was a pamphlet for cancer patients to approve and give away, an invite for a charity event held somewhere to RSVP, a transfer to approve, a-

He couldn't do it.

He leaned back further more, his eyes closing in defeat as he sighed deeply. He had wanted to be chief his whole life and yet that he had it, he just wanted to go back to how things were.

Life was so good before being Chief.

Meredith had warned him and for once, he wondered how things would have been if he had listened to her. She had warned him and yet, she had been supportive of him and his position the whole time, surprisingly handing him coffee in the morning, going to galas and being professional in front of their co-workers, despite being his wife and loving every single second of it.

He could see it in her eyes, every time he called her 'his wife', how she lit up. It was beautiful and scary, all in the same glance. It held in it so many promises he wished he could keep for a lifetime. Absence is what killed his previous marriage and with Meredith, he was already on the right track to follow the same path.

He let his whole body relax, just for a second, his joint going lax, his mind emptying of numbers, payments, dollars, money he would never ever have in a million years, and he was well paid even before being Chief. His back ached, his hand, adapted to holding scalpels, seemed to have forgotten how to write for hours long, his legs were close to cramping.

He was a mess. He physically couldn't do it.

He relaxed only when his mind drifted to Meredith.

_He heard a groan when the alarm rang, followed by a rustling of sheets._

"_Shut it off!" a muffled voice intimated, hitting pointlessly his chest, not aiming at anything._

_He did as commanded, then turned back to the lump of sheets on his left, trying to entangle the still sleeping figure of Meredith out of that mess._

"_I wanna sleep" she complained halfheartedly "Why did you put me on-call?" she groaned "Can I bribe the Chief of Surgery with sex?" she added, peeking out of the covers with a wicked, sexy grin and he couldn't help but kiss her lips._

"_For no more on-call shifts you say, uh?" he repeated the unasked question, kissing her again._

_She nodded, then shifted on top of him, resting there as a dead weight, her cheek on his heart as he passed his hand through her wild hair, then down her back. She was so warm and soft against him that for a moment he wondered if they could just skip work altogether that day._

"_I don't want to move" she whispered, practically reading his mind._

"_Me neither" he replied, kissing the top of her head, tightening his hold on her for a bit more._

_Then her stomach growled loudly and she giggled, quietly at first, then bringing him along and wiggling in his arms until she finally calmed down._

A soft kiss on his cheek interrupted his daydreaming and he knew it was Meredith even before opening his eyes.

He knew she was hovering over him, scrutinizing him, her hair falling a bit loosely out of her ponytail, the whiff of lavender around her proof of it. She was in scrubs, he could hear her sneakers crinkling on the floor and the rustle of the fabric. He knew that sound so well and he missed it dearly. He hadn't worn scrubs in ages.

"Hi" he breathed out, finally opening his eyes and finding in fact Meredith's blue-gray ones staring above him. A kind, slightly tired smile stretched on her face when he grinned at her, then she captured his lips for a quick kiss.

"Were you sleeping or just slacking off?" she grinned even more widely as she sat on his desk, pushing away the stack of papers, much to his relief.

"Thinking about you, in fact" he replied with a smirk and made her blush, despite the roll of her eyes.

"All this paperwork is getting into your head" she joked, but he smiled sadly, caressing her thigh, just needing to feel her there.

"More than you think" he admitted, exposing his vulnerable side just a little bit.

She leaned in and kissed him again, brushing his hair and making him feel human and worth something again. Even for just a second.

"I just came up here to tell you that I'm going home. I can pick up takeout, your choice" she smiled sweetly, hopping down the desk.

"I...What about we go out to dinner?" he suggested and her eyes widened for a moment, just enough to tell him that maybe this idea was awful and it would have been better if he had kept it for himself.

"Derek, you were dozing off on paperwork. I know when you are tired" she smiled "Let's just go home and cuddle on the couch"

"We never spend time together" he complained, sounding again like a five-year-old.

"Have we ever?" she smiled softly, resigned "We don't go to dinner, Derek, we barely have matching shifts every two weeks" she shook her head, slightly amused by his desire to do something so unusual for them.

"I want..." he hesitated "I need..." The more he stared into her eyes, the less words he was able to put together. "I want you to feel loved" he finally admitted, his voice barely audible as he shut his eyes, almost in shame.

Meredith's expression morphed from stunned in melting in less than a blink and the rosy blush on her cheeks as he faced her again made him feel hopeful.

"God, Derek, you just need to say stuff like that to make me feel loved, don't you see it?" she said, shaking her head slightly, cupping his cheek with her hand and grazing his stubble with her thumb. "You make me feel like the most special person on Earth. Every single day." she reassured. "As corny as that sounds" she mumbled to herself and for a second Derek could smile. It was soon forgotten though.

"But..."

"No buts, Derek." her smile was soft and warm, inviting, collected, so her. She smiled so often lately. "I know this job is very demanding, but we have time to do everything we want to"

"I wanna have a family, Mer and we...I can't do it if..." he stuttered, his words coming out in a flow, but she shushed him with a gentle smile.

"There's time to adjust things when the family will expand, Derek. Nobody has anything planned. It's just you and me right now"

He looked at her then, really looked at her, every little feature, line, detail he was sure he could miss, voting himself to never forget any tiny inch of her. And something was different. It wasn't the novelty of being his wife, that was part of her self already, it was something new, something totally her and yet not.

"Yeah" he agreed, unable to speak any word more, just mesmerized by her.

Maybe he had simply missed her.

"I missed you today" he admitted

She smiled "I missed you too, but I'm here now"

"We're here now" he repeated, an old conversation ringing in his mind, even if he couldn't pinpoint exactly when or why.

Finally, Derek smiled.

* * *

><p><strong>So, L wasn't really dark, but it wasn't happy either. In any case, I hope you enjoyed this.<strong>

**Now that my other story, Love Is A Doing Word, is finally wrapped up, I think I will dedicate to this more often, which means, quicker updates, if my professors collaborate, that's all. **

**I'm sorry if the song piece was a little too long, but I love that song. And they actually used it during a wedding in Norway or something, check out the video on YouTube, that's fabolous.**

**Enough with the rambling, enjoy life!**


	13. M is for Masochist

**Masochist: The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself**

* * *

><p><em>Post 8x06 'Poker Face'. Written right after. It's another case of healing one-shot.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested Song: Heads Will Roll – Yeah Yeah Yeahs<em>

* * *

><p>"Dr. Shepherd here's the article you needed from me"<p>

Lexie approached a rather smiling Derek Shepherd, leaning at the nurse's station with a stack of computer-printed pages she had worked on all night. His smile suddenly became a thin, professional line and he took the sheets from her hands.

She stood in front of him as he read through them, his expression morphing quickly into a frown.

"This is not..." he looked almost shocked "Dr. Grey, did you presented this kind of sloppy researches in Med School?" he snarled, shaking his head rather rudely, then slamming the papers on the counter and moving away.

Lexie remained practically stunned, then something snapped inside of her and she was suddenly tired of this behavior. He was his sort of brother-in-law, yeah, but he was being an ass as her boss and she was tired of getting all his moods. Quirks or not quirks, she was done with it.

"You know Dr. Shepherd," she stressed the title, running behind his steps as he walked towards the staircase to the hall. "I've been up all night checking on your post-ops, keeping them alive and filling the charts you have assigned me. All night long for two nights in a row and I haven't complained a bit"

"Nobody ever has" he shrugged and at that, Lexie was fuming.

She grabbed his elbow, forcing him to a stop "I know I'll never meet your standards. I don't know the quirks and I can't handle the moods, but you need to get a hold of yourself, okay? I know I'm the wrong Grey at your side in the OR, believe me, but you are too stubborn to care, aren't you?"

He swallowed, taken aback by her fierceness. _Her and Meredith weren't completely unrelated, after all_. "Dr. Grey..."

"I'm not even halfway done, Dr. Shepherd" she fired back, taking a deep breath "The good Grey is delivering babies." she stressed, almost shocked by her sentence "It's masochism of some sort, right? When she isn't with her patients, she stares at all the babies she has delivered. I'm sure you didn't know that, uh?" she paused to let the news sink, looking with hard eyes at Derek.

He swallowed again, then decided to move to a more quiet place and found an empty conference room.

He clicked the door shut behind his back, sighing deeply, then he whispered "I never told her to go to OB. She was the one who suggested not working with me to save our marriage"

"It's a load of crap, and you know it!" Lexie's voice rose and it kept him from saying anything else. "She's ruining her brilliant career to make you happy. She has given away every last bit of dignity she had putting up with your crap while dealing with hers but this, the pink scrubs and all, this is just humiliating!"

Derek looked at Lexie gesturing, really looked at her, but he wasn't able to say anything in response. He missed working with Meredith, he had said it numerous times, but things were getting better between them and..._and he was an idiot_.

"I'm not Meredith, I know that, but please, you two, just stop pretending and hiding behind this sham of agreement and talk things through. She's the one who had to be in the OR when you took out the amazing butterfly tumor, she pushed me to give you the scans." she admitted and Derek's eyes became even more confused "I know Zola isn't back yet, but Meredith misses her just as much as you do. And please, just please, make her stop hurting herself working with pregnant mothers all day" Lexie's voice was suddenly softer, calmer, like all the rage she had simply dissipated and she was just pleading.

Derek barely nodded before she could walk out, leaving him bewildered in the conference room, sitting in one of the chairs, head in his hands, once again thinking where he did wrong this time.

Lexie instead continued her mission, because since she had begun she couldn't seem to stop and she had a thing or two to say to her sister as well.

She found Meredith in the new office April got for being Chief Resident, apparently playing with a mouse and scribbling notes quickly on a sheet of paper filled with messy calligraphy and lots of weird marks and symbols.

"Hey Lexie" she said, professionally, without even lifting her head up, before she had finished writing, then she finally met her eyes and smiled. Quite a real smile, one Lexie hadn't seen for a while. "I'm cracking this" she said proudly, some sort of fire suddenly back.

"What?"

"Bailey's mouse. The Chief's trial? April delegated and I found the loop for the diabetes" she scribbled even quicker, then she put a firm full stop and she smiled brightly at Lexie again. "Still troubles working with Derek?" she said, noticing the uneasiness of her sister.

"No, I mean, I just..."

"Lexie" Meredith said sternly, very big-sisterly and Lexie couldn't say silent after that.

"I yelled at him. He called me incompetent because my research for the damn article was 'sloppy'" she confessed, doing air quotes for emphasis as well and Meredith couldn't help but smile at this.

"Did you wrote it neatly, in legible size and not the super-mini kind we use to save paper?"

"I did. Doesn't he like double-sided printing? I was tired and maybe I used the wrong connectors, I don't even know. I had been up all night for that stupid thing!"

"He doesn't care. I had to scrub in in back-to-back craniotomies once, but he didn't care if I didn't brought his post-op for an MRI. He's a grumpy surgeon, they all are. My mother acted like him sometimes, that's why I know how to deal with his moods" Meredith said simply.

"I yelled at him because clearly, he doesn't want to teach anyone. He has scared off every resident who had even the smallest interest in Neuro up from the third years and I just...I couldn't take it anymore. He only wants to teach you" Lexie said the last part looking directly at Meredith and she saw her face morph in surprise first, then in fear. Meredith let her pen fall slowly on the sheets and she swallowed thickly. Her hands were almost shaking.

"It's better if we don't work together" she replied, her voice barely above a whisper in the empty office.

"Meredith, you are amazing together, it doesn't matter if you are in the OR or in the parking lot, at home or with a patient"

"I love him more than surgery" she admitted and Lexie, albeit stunned by the confidence with which she had confessed it, she just smiled and pretended not to have noticed the slightest bit.

"I know, but you are in pink scrubs, Meredith"

"Oh, c'mon, why everybody despises the pink scrubs?" she shook off her trance, shaking her head.

"Because it's you, okay? It's wrong to help women have babies when you clearly want your own back. Being there won't ease the pain, I bet you have noticed it. It's wonderful if you like being with kids, but OB it's not your thing." Lexie said calmly, the complete opposite tone she had used with Derek "You worked hard for five years of residency, Med School and college and yet, when you're just about there, you throw it all away?"

"I'm doing it to save my marriage. My mother didn't do anything, I'm doing it" Meredith replied confidently, despite realizing that her arguments were rather empty compared to Lexie's.

"You are not the only one who needs to compromise here. It takes two to build a marriage and it takes two as well to break it."

Meredith hid her eyes from Lexie and the latter knew that her sister was hiding her misty eyes from her. "I can't...I don't know how to be without Derek anymore. He's the only good thing I have left. Since I admitted that I loved him, I knew I'd never stop loving him. It has been the only constant, despite all the crap that happened. I love him."

"Meredith, we all know it, but he's making you throw away what you have worked for your entire life"

"It doesn't matter" she said, sternly, wiping away a stubborn tear that, despite her efforts, managed to escape from the corner of her eye.

"It does. And you need to stop pretending that you don't miss Zola or working with him or the fact that you are scared every single day that another shooter could come in the building and kill him"

"I'm not..." she argued, shuddering at the mere thought, though.

"Maybe the last fear was mine, but the rest, all yours. And if you share it, maybe you can stop pretending"

"I have pretended my whole life"

"Don't you think that Zola needs a better family than a pretended one? You can't undo the past, but the future..."

"He will never trust me again"

"Mer, he didn't say he had a wife and yet, you are the wife now. What does this says to you?"

"You weren't even there" Meredith argued, her voice strangely a little more fierce than before.

"I know, but I don't need details to say that you forgave him"

"It took me years"

"But you weren't the couple you are today" Lexie replied simply and suddenly, nothing seemed so foggy for Meredith. The edges and the boundaries were clear and for a second, she appreciated having a little sister with a bit of a brain to talk her through this.

"It can work like this, maybe" Meredith still argued, knowing that she was completely wrong after all.

"Maybe it could, but don't tell me I haven't warned you" said Lexie, winking playfully and lifting up a corner of the gloomy veil that had settled on their conversation. "And please, have sex with him tonight, I mean it. Multiple times, until my week with him is over at least. I won't even complain if you'll be too loud. I'm begging, here. As your sister, you know" Lexie smirked and finally Meredith let out a sincere smile, shaking her head amused and drying her tears.

Lexie grabbed the doorknob and held it open, when Meredith called her name and whispered, looking right into her eyes "Thank you"

"Anytime"

Then she disappeared.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, I wanted Lexie to actually speak up and talk a little sense into them. Maybe things turned out even better like Shonda put them, I agree that maybe them working in the same specialty could be a disaster, but Meredith needed more than an idea for a trial to get out of the pink scrubs. It was too weird, after all, right?<strong>

**It wasn't my best chapter, I could have gone in a thousand different directions, but I just needed some grounding in season 8. I haven't dwlled much on it and I hope you didn't mind that. And you are still interested in reading more. I know many of you probably had e-mail issues, so I'm not worried about a little lack of visitors or reviews, it gets crazy like this sometimes.**

**Okay, then, this was M. **

**N will be a nice long one-shot, I promise!**


	14. N is for Nauseous

**Nauseous: causing nausea, sickening**

* * *

><p><em>During the S&amp;M, as in early Season 4. You could place it anytime during that stretch of episodes, I guess, surely before their agreement crumbled, though. Maybe if you should pick a real moment, after Meredith decides to spend a little more time with Derek at the trailer, I don't remember which episode it is exactly, but I'm sure you do. If you need, I'll look that up.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested Song: Miracle Drug - U2<em>

* * *

><p>Derek pushed the button to call for an elevator after a long shift, filled with surgeries, ready to go and rest in his warm bed. He'd welcome an invitation from Meredith, but he didn't want to push it with her.<p>

He had barely caught a few glimpses of her during the day and the old ache was building up in his chest again. He couldn't help it, he just missed her, even if she was blatantly using him for sex, they both knew that deep down, it was so much more.

When the doors opened and they revealed a very tired Meredith Grey, he couldn't help but smile. Usually, she would have smiled back widely, maybe even throwing in a playful line about them and empty elevators, this time she just dragged herself a little on the side, making room for him, a small smile plastered on her face. She looked drained, more tired than how he felt.

"Hey" he said warmly, stepping in and standing by her side, their bodies almost touching.

"Hi" she said weakly "Rain check for tonight" she whispered then, almost as if she was afraid to say it but at the same time, he was amazed that she already thought that this pretending thing they had put on was regular, like she couldn't stay without it just like him.

"It's okay, really. You look..." he said, trying to find the perfect words without knowing where to put boundaries exactly.

"Like crap" she completed, a resigned sigh escaping her lips.

"I was going to say tired, but..." he chuckled, but she barely acknowledged him "Tough shift?"

"You could say that" she said, the smile becoming ironic on her lips as she walked backwards to lean against the cold wall of the elevator. Her eyes were closed, her breaths shallow and her face pale.

"Are you okay?" he said, concern filling his voice

"Yeah, I'm fine" she said, overusing this word. "Just haven't eaten enough today, I feel a little dizzy" she admitted, for once throwing to the wind all the boundaries she was putting up between them.

Behind her closed eyes, she could picture his face filled with worry after her confessions, but she couldn't help but try to keep him at arm's length. They were doing the sex and mockery thing, he wasn't supposed to hover over her frail health.

She was aware that her latest shift in the clinic had graced her with a massive cold and flu to sleep off, she felt it already in her system and she just wanted to curl up under her very empty bed and sleep until her body was sore from laying.

She heard the faint dinging of the elevator, but she made no move to actually get off. The motion wasn't all that bad, considering everything, because that meant that she had at least avoided the stomach bug.

"Meredith" he called out softly, trying to breech behind her closed eyelids when she didn't even tried to move as the elevator came to a stop.

Her eyes were suddenly staring back into his, her green almost glassy blue as she slowly moved outside, every gesture seemed a struggle, like her whole body was aching.

"Meredith!" he followed her in the main hall, not caring about the sure whispers if nurses saw them leaving together.

She stopped and turned slowly, her face filling with annoyance and something else he couldn't decipher. "Do you need a ride home?" he blurted out, without thinking.

She looked at his concerned face and the keys in his hand immediately pictured in her head the comfortable seats in his car. She knew that he was breaking the rules, but she was too tired and too sick to care this time around.

He could feel her thoughts swirl in her head, before she nodded faintly and replied "That would be nice, thank you"

She let him catch up with her, then they fell into step together, as he guided her to his car. It felt nice for once to go home with him, knowing that there wasn't any prospect of sex. _Hell, she knew he was just driving her home, why she was all mushy about this?_

He opened the door for her and if she wasn't that sick she would have swatted his arm, instead she took all the help he gave her and she waited for him to start the car, already settling in the leather of his seat.

The engine rumbled in the quiet between them, then he navigated through the parking lot at a decent speed, not the rushed one he usually used when they were going home straight for more than two rounds of amazing sex. They were just driving home together and despite her feeling like crap, she was kind of enjoying this.

Well, until her stomach began to flip-flop at each bump he took.

She closed her eyes and tried to relax, tuning down every sound and focusing on her breathing.

"Meredith?" he whispered softly when he turned to her and saw her eyes closed, her hands resting folded on her stomach, her breaths regular but still strange.

"Hm" she hummed, not even opening her eyes, just making noise to tell him that she wasn't passed out yet.

"You're sick, aren't you?"

She let the silence settle, pondering her answer and waiting for the latest bolt of nausea to pass then she finally admitted "Feeling like crap", a smile gracing her pale features for the briefest moment, but Derek was glad he hadn't miss it. He thanked all the red lights on his way that night.

They remained silent, Derek feeling a bit helpless as he drove her home, Meredith trying her best not to throw up.

He opened a bit the window for her, to get some fresh air and she seemed relieved for a moment, until about halfway to her house she leaned heavily against the headrest and asked in a small, scared voice "Pull over, Derek"

He immediately spotted a larger space on the side of the road, so he stopped the car there. She barely had time to free herself from the seat belt, open the door and stand up before she threw up the contents of her stomach.

Derek opened his door right away and when he was to her side of the car, she was supporting herself heavily against the car door, her body barely able to stand up on her own.

"Okay" he sighed as she bent down to ride out another wave of vomiting. His hand went on her back, gently rubbing soft circles on her back as she tried to stand up again, her face paler than before, her body visibly weak.

"Shouldn't be anything left now" she said, her voice croaky as she looked up at him "Sorry about that" she tried to shrug it off.

"Don't worry" he said genuinely, for once loving the fact that she was willingly accepting his help or she was too weak to care about the simple fact that he was there. "Wait" he said then, going back to the trunk of the car and pulling out a rugged, flannel blanket, then he reached out for the bottle of water resting between the two seats. "Here" he said, handing her the water first to rinse her mouth and she was glad that he thought about it, the taste of bile making her want to throw up again.

She spit the water in the grass, then he helped her sit back in the car, their bodies close in a non-intimate way after weeks of just sex. She sighed contentedly as he draped the blanket around her and snuggled her inside it like the meat inside a taco.

She had missed him, taking care of her.

"There you go" he said, just to make the silence around a little less filled with traffic and a little more like their own personal bubble.

"Thank you" she said sincerely as he closed the door for her and smiled widely through the glass.

"Anytime" he said when he restarted the engine.

She looked a little pale every time he glanced at her with the corner of his eyes, a small part of him amused at how snuggled was in that blanket, the majority though just wanting to take care of her until she was feeling better, suddenly hating all the boundaries that sex-and-mockery thing had put between them.

The rest of the ride was quiet, Meredith's breaths so even that he thought she had fallen asleep if she hadn't kept her eyes open. When he parked the car in front of her driveway, she smiled weakly at him.

She snuggled out of the blanket slowly to unfasten her seat belt, then she folded the old cloth and put it on the seat as she stood up, her body shivering a little from the sudden change of temperature.

"Keep it" he suggested then and she looked at him almost with tears in her eyes.

He got out of the car and picked her purse for her as she reached out for the blanked and draped it over her shoulders, sighing contentedly when the remaining warmth seeped back through her clothes.

He led her up to the steps, opening the door for her with the key that was still under the pot and she smiled; knowing that he still knew that made her smile.

"You could grab a glass of water or something, before you leave. There's probably cake somewhere too. I'd keep you company, but I'm going straight to bed" she admitted.

He nodded, moving to the kitchen as she disappeared upstairs. Instead of grabbing a glass of water though, he put up the pot with water and heated up some to make her tea, while he racked his mind to remember in which cabinet they kept the saltines.

He found graham crackers when the water was boiling. He choose her favorite brand of tea and made two cups, then put the whole thing on a tray and went upstairs. He knocked, then gently opened the door.

She was just getting under the covers as he appeared in her bedroom, holding a tray and smiling like a child.

"I figured I should bring the treats to you instead of eating all alone" he smirked and she felt like kissing him, despite she had the weirdest bug and they weren't even in a position to kiss each other randomly as she wanted to do right then and there. The puking must have gotten into her brain cells as well. The absurdity of this thought confirmed her theories.

Before she could fight him, he was laying beside her, holding out a cup of what smelled like her favorite tea and graham crackers.

"Thank you" she said, wrapping her hand on the warm mug, their fingers barely brushing for a second but stirring up old feelings that she had long fought against.

They sipped their cups silently, small smiles gracing their faces as they stared straight ahead, listening to each other's breaths.

She put the empty mug back on the tray and she was almost disappointed when he did the same and stood up.

"Derek" she called out, before she could even realize it.

"I'll be right back, I just put them back in the kitchen and I grab a blanket more for you" he said, smiling softly, his eyes crinkling.

"Okay" she acknowledged, a little weight lifting up from her shoulder.

She waited for him to come back, then curled up in his side of the bed, snuggling into a ball as she felt her flip-flopping stomach settle. There was still something missing.

He tiptoed back in the room, then asked softly "Do you need anything else?"

"Could you...Do you mind staying here tonight?" she said, her voice small, almost childish, scared.

"Yeah, I can sleep on the couch and you can call me when you need me"

"No, I mean...here. Beside me. Do you mind holding me tonight?" she asked and suddenly she was more than naked in front of him, her emotions laid bare, rough.

"I'd love to" he said, his voice thick with emotion as he took off his shirt and pants and found his old Bowdoin shirt and sweatpants he had thought lost as he opened the one that had been his drawer back when things weren't this complicated.

"You kept these?" he said, almost amazed as he wore the old clothes, feeling suddenly at home.

"I meant to return them, I really did" she lied, the smirk was clearly displayed on her face, but he was glad she still had a spot for him in her dresser.

He laid beside her and she turned to him, her body molding into his as one of his hand went around her middle and pulled her closer.

"You're burning up" he said, when he tenderly kissed her forehead and her eyes immediately met his, a flicker of worry already there.

"Do you want me to stay away?" she said, turning her back to him

"Come here" he said, moving beside her and spooning her, his lips finding her neck and his arms wrapped over her stomach. She relaxed immediately in his hold, sighing deeply.

He began caressing her body, just like he did before, after they made love, only when she let him pamper her before she'd threw him out of her bed at every possible inglorious hour. This time she didn't complain or stiffened though, she simply relaxed as he caressed softly her hips, then her stomach, trying to avoid the place he knew made her squirm, until her hand found his as he hovered over her stomach and she held him there, her fingers intertwining with his and she snuggled even deeper into his arms.

"Thank you" she said sincerely, sighing

"You're welcome" he replied, kissing the back of her neck and making her take a deep intake of breath. "Just wake me up if you need anything else tonight" he said.

She squeezed his hand, then whispered "Goodnight Derek" her voice already filled with sleep.

"Goodnight Meredith" he replied, glad to have her back in his arms, wishing he could feel this way for the rest of his life.

He had to give it time, he knew it, so right then, he just decided to enjoy this little moments she gave in and let him in, because they were what got him through the day, until she was ready.

He just knew he could wait forever, if she asked him to. Especially when he could hear her snore in his arms after such a long day.

"I love you" he whispered to her sleeping form and he thought he had imagined her hold tightening on him, but then, the small smile gracing her lips was indeed there and he knew that they were going to be okay, together, someday.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, this might be the most abstract one-shot in this series. It's also the longest, probably, so I hope you won't mind.<strong>

**I also switched between PoVs, I know, I realized it in the latest editing, but think of it as the camera switching. Crappy excuse for my laziness, I know ;)**

**I wrote this a long time ago, it was maybe one of the first I wrote, but I can't remember exactly. I had been working on this for a little less than a year, I believe, since some were part of a project I decided to drop and they were later converted into this, where they fit just perfectly.**

**It's them, being together, it's Meredith, keeping him around, staying at the trailer a little more, it's her giving in to him, too tired to fight all the emotions. She's giving in and it could be seen as a weakness or as a turning point, just pick what makes you sleep at night.**

**Not much to say about the song here, it's a good song, not for this topic, really, but it fit as it played so here it is, Miracle Drug, U2. It's not about love as in a couple thing, it's a broader sense of love. Find the history of this song on Goggle, it will change your whole perspective on it. I found it going through a story here, same title as the song, it was an instant favorite.**

**Well, you should be overjoyed that O was written before getting to this point or the hiatus would have been longer after this. It's written though, I need to debate which song fit better and edit it for the umpteenth time, but it's done. Embrace it.**


	15. O is for Oblivious

**Oblivious: Lacking conscious awareness; unmindful**

* * *

><p><em>S1 E78. After Izzie and George complain about the nightly noises and the lack of sleep. Good times. And lighter, fluff times too._

* * *

><p><em>Suggested song: Young Folks – Peter Bjorn and John<em>

_I can tell there's something goin' on  
>hours seems to disappear<br>everyone is leaving I'm still with you_

_It doesn't matter what we do_  
><em>where we are going too<em>  
><em>we can stick around and see this night through<em>

* * *

><p>I stared at Derek as we shared breakfast. It had become routine, having him share his breakfast with me and my roommates.<p>

I freaked out, the first time that happened, since they had just discovered who Derek was and how compromising was our position. Instead, as the mornings passed, they treated him like any other regular guy, and for that, I was glad.

Not that I brought many regular guys home, let alone keep them in the house until breakfast. But Derek was different.

He poured his muesli and I watched him fill the bowl then dip the cereals in the milk, drowning a spoonful, before eating it happily.

It was comforting, familiar, watching him eat muesli in my kitchen, almost as if he belonged there.

_Wait, what? How can a man belong in your kitchen?_

Derek cocked his head on the side, his brows furrowing as he held his spoon in the air questioningly, stopping his breakfast.

"What?" he said, a hint of amusement as he smiled at me, aware of my scrutiny.

It was one of those smiles you never get tired of. The ones that made Cristina dub him McDreamy and right there, in my kitchen, with his own bowl and muesli, already dressed for work, he was definitely McDreamy.

"Just wondering how could you like muesli" I smiled back, pretending not to have stared at him in the past ten minutes as he prepared his own breakfast.

"Liar" he grinned widely

"Okay, I just pulled that out of my ass" I giggled, blushing a little, but then he chuckled with me.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he smirked and I had to groan at that, just to keep my façade.

"Seriously? I'm thinking how cocky you are"

"You like cocky"

"Whatever"

He kept smiling and bantering and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut when he did that. It's like he has this weird superpower when it comes to my feelings. He's able to twist them up and change them and turn my whole world upside-down only with a smile or a look.

"Okay, there. I was thinking how nice it is this whole...thing" I gestured, between me and him.

"Thing?" he grinned and the empty space between the two of us was suddenly too much. _Why couldn't the table just disappear?_

I rolled my eyes as he expectantly waited for my answer "You and me, eating breakfast"

"You said breakfast was overrated"

"Yeah, whatever" I grinned, then I yawned, our week of intense physical bedroom activities catching up with me. "You don't need to wake up at an inglorious hour to have breakfast with me"

"And what, leave the house open when you all move to the hospital?"

"There's a spare key in the third pot on the porch, right under the broken swing. You could use that" I suggested absentmindedly, realizing the magnitude of my confession a second too late.

"What about see you yawning or groaning to keep your eyes open when the alarm goes off?" he smirked

"Ass" I muttered, focusing on my own cereals to avoid his eyes. Izzie was right, I was falling for him. Hard. And it surely wasn't only about the sex, no matter how good he was.

And that man was so good I could actually go as far as beg him for sex if I needed to. Not that he had ever complained so far.

When I looked back up at him, his eyes were staring hungrily at me, his spoon lost in between the muesli, which was turning slowly to an undistinguished mush.

"What?" it was my turn to ask, adding an annoyed hint to my tone, despite how much I loved when he looked at me like that.

"You're beautiful" he said simply, smiling. And I turned into a pile of goo.

Yep, I was feeling my skin melting under his intense gaze.

"You can't possibly want sex right now, after last night" I pretended to complain, while in fact, the night had been one of the best we have ever had.

"Yeah, you can't." Izzie walked in with a frown on her annoyed face, rolling her eyes. "I think people in Spokane missed her yelling your name as you banged the headboard on my wall" she groaned, slamming her glass of juice on the counter.

I blushed furiously, my cheeks burning and I didn't dare look up to meet Izzie's eyes. Nor Derek's, for what matters. _Did I seriously scream that loud?_

"And yes, Meredith, you scream that loud" Izzie concluded, almost reading my mind and I hid even further in her hands.

"Iz..." I tried to apologize, as Derek silently poked his breakfast, a slight blush under his morning stubble as well.

"George, tell them to please stop screaming at two in the morning when we have to get up at five" she prompted to George, who had barely entered the room and was already awkwardly standing against the door.

"You were loud" he said in a low, but sure tone "Again"

I looked up, feeling the whole shame of the world on me "We're sorry" I whispered.

"No, you're not" Izzie smirked and at that I groaned loudly, standing up to hide in my room.

"I'm just gonna..." I began, making my walk of shame upstairs, then stopping in the foyer to take a couple of deep breaths.

I have never been a prude when it came to my sex life, but with Derek, I just needed to keep it a private business, no matter how mind-blowing, toe-curling, hoarse-throat-screaming he was. And he was even better some nights. He had turned my world upside-down even down there.

"Meredith" he appeared out of nowhere, his eyes filled with apologies

"No. First you make me scream and then you regret it. No, no. This is not how it works, Derek Shepherd" I faced him sternly. Okay, as sternly as I could when he gave me our look.

"I'm sorry"

"No, you're not" I smiled

"Okay, I'm not" he grinned widely, moving closer, so close that I could feel his body heating mine.

His hands moved to rest on my hips as he pulled me closer and made me taste just a little slice of the heaven that he could offer with his lips and tongue. And how could I argue with that kiss?

"You can't do that" I whispered, pulling away from his lips, but he didn't listen as his lips moved down my jaw to my neck, on the ticklish spot he discovered last night and I moaned.

"We have rounds in thirty minutes" the annoyed voice of Izzie interrupted us as she brushed past us, shaking her head, then she muttered "Horny. And oblivious. Just like in high school"

* * *

><p><strong>So, it's not the best adjective choice, but I got a little sidetracked with my other stories and when I was publishing like K or L I still had to write this, which scared the crap out of me, since I like to have dozens of chapters banked, before publishing. I know, that's crazy of me, I like things to be a little too perfect, I can't ever get it right. Like, I went back re-reading N to check out a couple of things and I immediately spotted a couple of typos and other stupid mistakes I didn't noticed right away. Apolgies.<strong>

**Okay, this was season 1, light, childish season 1. I miss those times, even though I like the growth in eight season. It was expected, it would have been even worse if they had eight series like that. Also because they probably wouldn't have had eight series in the first place.**

**My Spanish mid-term is done, whoho! Okay, it could have gone better, but this means that at least for a week I can pretend don't have exams at the end of May and ignore books and embrace my laptop. Which is a good thing, if I want to publish another story in the foreseeable future.**

**Also, the song it's a last minute choice, I had a lot of trouble finding something light and happy, I'm on the indie genre, (okay, hipster, none of my friends knows the songs I mention) you noticed it, and most songs tend to be sad or too quiet for such a chapter. For those of you hardcore Grey's fans, there's a version of this song on YouTube sung by Justin Chambers and his children, recorded at the Grey's Benefit this year. Check out both versions!**

**I'm done rambling, I'm on a sugar high, feeling too good to be alive and examless. Bear with me. **

**And stay tuned for P. It's probably the first Adjective I have written, quite a long time ago ;)**


	16. P is for Pretended

_**Pretended: Not genuine or sincere**_

* * *

><p><em>2x20. Meredith is with Derek on his land, walking Doc. I think it is slightly before the scene in the episode, like a day or something. Then again, you can pretend it is set whenever you want.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested song: Blindsided - Bon Iver.<em>

_This is again a last minute change. I fell in love with For Emma, Forever Ago like overnight, and it fit better than my original idea. Even though I wrote this with A Storm is Going To Come by Piers Faccini in my mind, you can pick your favorite._

* * *

><p>Friends was perfect for us.<p>

It was good walking Doc together, on his land. Talking was easy, no commitment needed, no worries, no big stuff to discuss, just walk side by side in the woods, sun rays peeking between the firs, drying the muddy path.

Except that he was sexy as hell in his jacket and jeans, his disheveled hair tempted me to run my fingers through them every time I looked at him, his deep blue eyes an easy way to get lost and loose the grip with reality.

"So, did your friend solved her problem?" he asked with a smirk, breaking the magic spell of silence that wrapped us both and only Doc's excited barks were able to penetrate.

There was this silent conversation going on between us, just like before, when he wasn't married and living in his trailer with his wife. Despite all the heartache and the dreadful nights spent lying awake, I still felt safe around him, comforted by his cocky appearance and his self-confidence.

"Nope, still knee-deep in it" I smiled back. Telling him I slept with George wasn't something I was looking forward to share, no matter how many times he repeated the same question. He had asked about it every morning, but I luckily didn't bulge.

"If you tell me more, maybe I can help. I'm a good friend" he flashed his trademark smile and my lips curled up automatically, my knees suddenly weak. _God, I miss him..._

"Not going to tell you" I sang in my best five-year-old voice

"Oh, you will. I can be pretty persistent" don't know why this playful statement sounded so dirty in my head.

His eyes flickered for a moment with something I haven't seen for a long time, the same happy twinkle he always displayed before life happened. My knees became weak just with a single look and it took me anything I had to not assault his lips right there and tangle my fingers in his hair while I kissed him forcefully.

"I'm never going to tell you" I smirked mischievously, then I jogged away.

Before he could answer anything, I was running with Doc towards the clearing.

"Where are you going?" he yelled, but I was already too far from his grasp, giggling like a child and chasing Doc on the fresh grass, his barks his way to say that he was eager to keep playing with me.

Derek watched for a second, unmovable, chuckling in his spot, then he started running as well, a wide grin plastered on his face.

He was more athletic than me and before I realized it, his strong arms were around my waist, pulling me closer to his body and forcing me still. I started laughing hysterically, joy and anticipation playing tricks with my brain. He started tickling me then in all the places he knew I was weak and I tried to squirm out of his grasp, unable to breathe properly for all the laughing.

"Stop it, Derek, please, I can't breathe!" I managed to utter, but he seemed not to care, lifting me up from the ground and balancing me on his shoulder, almost as if I was a little girl again, still tickling me.

"Put me down!" I ordered, punching his back, but he just kept laughing

"Ah, the ineffectual fists" he sighed, then let go of me and I ran away a few feet from him.

I stopped in the middle of the clearing, staring at him, hypnotized by his joyful smile.

I felt like every nerve on my skin was exposed. On every spot his fingers touched, I had open wounds, burning from the inside out. I was aching for his hands to feel me up again, ease away all the pain that hung like a burden on my heart. His eyes radiated joy, his hair all messy and his cheeks a bit flushed from the effort of carrying me around, his clothes wrinkled.

_I needed his arms around me again._

And so I ran once more, this time it was Doc who followed me, and I hoped Derek would catch me again.

Suddenly I felt the grass on my skin and a warm body covering me, two contrasting sensations mashing into one and I was stuck between them. Between Derek and earth, dream and reality, everything and nothing, hot and cold. I was there, with my eyes closed.

"God, I'm sorry!" I heard his concerned voice

I opened my eyes and met his. The world was perfect again behind his intense gaze, his piercing eyes scanning my figure, his strong hands holding me in place.

"Good catch. Former football player?" I smirked and his features relaxed.

A chuckle exploded from his throat and I could feel it echoing in his chest, skimming almost imperceptibly my breasts, sending shivers down my spine. His twinkling eyes bore into mine, the heat of his body pinning me down. I was on fire too, my body putty in his hands right there.

"No, but I had to learn how to take down Mark in the yard with a smooth move" he kept grinning, but made no move to roll sideways on the grass.

It was just like before, except that we were both fully clothed and in the middle of nowhere, but it was perfect.

I stared at his perfect curved lips, pondering about kissing that smile or just let reality settle in. He brushed away some strands of hair from my face and the expectation became almost unbearable, my head forcing me still while the only thing I wanted was tasting him again. My clouded mind made me brush his hair and I sighed, relieving the familiar sensation under my fingertips, our noses almost touching, putting him on focus was hard and not from the close distance.

Everything was perfectly blurry, a haze he was the only one able to create. I could feel the smell that was uniquely him fill my nostrils, a mixture of aftershave, trees and water.

"Derek" I sighed, but it came out more like a desperate call, a plea for him to forget about the rest of the world for a second and just be in heaven with me.

As suddenly as he pinned me to the ground, he rolled aside and a blow of cold wind rustled on my skin.

Cold and crisp.

Real.

Tears welled up in my eyes.

"I'm sorry" he whispered and he meant it.

It was a meaningful sorry for everything, not just this particular moment, because he wasn't sorry for this or at least that was what the bulge in his pants told me. He was sorry for choosing Addison, he was sorry for not telling me beforehand, he was sorry for the sleepless nights and the heartache, the tears and the tequila. He was simply sorry.

"I'm sorry too" was all I could manage, before cuddling closer to him and lying my head on his chest, listening to his beating heart as we stared up at the sky.

I remained still, seeking for permission, then his hand began tracing the length of my spine, slowly and soothingly as I let out my tears and let go of everything I kept bottled in me as I stroked his chest.

"Mer" he whispered and I couldn't calm my tears anymore as my shortened name rolled out so perfectly out of his lips.

"I miss you" I cried desperately and he just kissed the top of my head with his usual tenderness. I felt finally protected into the safe bubble of us, the shelter of his arms enveloping me and steadying me.

"I miss you too" he replied and my whole world melted away, because we were sailing into two different ships towards the same direction and someday we might get there, at the same time, and finally be happy.

_I love you, Derek._

I closed my eyes and locked out reality for a moment longer, relishing the feeling of his arms, his warmth, his heartbeat, knowing that everything would be over too soon.

But in that moment, everything was just as perfect as it should be.

* * *

><p><strong>I think maybe I mixed up a little the elevator scene when she says to him that she misses him and that cute scene with Doc. It's not a milestone episode this time around, but I tried to explore more the episodes that have been put a little aside in the fanfiction world and focus on those. It was a challenge, after all.<strong>

**A little on the sad side, I know. But that scene in the woods still warms my heart. How at ease and happy they look right in that moment...*sighs* **

**I posted rather quickly this time around, but don't get used to this! **

**Good news is that I'm working on more, bad news is that I have exams. And stuff to do every day. Like laundry, grocery shopping, pick up cash...you know, all that boring grown-up things I wish I could still avoid if I lived with my parents. Whoever remembers the quote on adulthood by Meredith Grey _and_ reviews will get extra virtual cookies. I promise :D**

**Q will be great, I can assure you. It was like really really fun to write. And c'mon, I found a Q adjective, how cool am I?**


	17. Q is for Quirky

**Quirky: ****unpredictable or unaccountable, strikingly unconventional**

* * *

><p><em>I wrote this before 8x11 aired. Pretend that the whole cuteness of Derek trying to capture on camera the whole thing never happened. And how cute was that giraffe, uh?<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested Song: Rock Bottom – Pablo Sebastian<em>

"_To learn in life, you have to fall face first"_

* * *

><p>First steps.<p>

Meredith had been through a lot of them in her life, but this one, the literal meaning, was quite a first for her.

Of course, she had learned to walk at some point, but she surely couldn't remember.

Watching Zola work out all her muscles for weeks before even standing had taught her the value of first steps. They seemed quite pointless when you learn how to run, but right here and there, they're like the most massive mountain to climb. Especially for Zola.

Meredith watched her baby girl stand on her own, holding onto the soft cushion of the couch and she was already proud. She didn't know if she was more proud or more scared of what was about to come.

Zola was growing up.

"Aw, here are my favorite girls" a soft, welcomed voice interrupted her small internal freakout and before she could stand up, Derek had already bent to kiss the top of her head, then he turned to grin widely a Zola.

The baby squealed, bobbing on her heels excitedly, just to fall on her diapered bum as she lost her balance. Derek was quick in picking her up and cover her in kisses.

It was routine, him coming home and Zola getting kisses. And they all loved this new habit.

Derek placed Zola back on the carpet then, not caring about dinner and forgetting his tiredness, he joined her on the floor, playing with a bunch of colorful toys laying scattered around them. Meredith decided to just watch and enjoy.

Zola crawled a bit out and about to grab a few pieces, then she even hazarded to stand up to pick a lonely green cup on the coffee table.

Derek looked mesmerized at how easily she was moving around, his heart swelling with love, just like Meredith's.

Meredith's cell rang, so she stood up to not disturb their games, looking at the LCD and reading Cristina. Inappropriate words for a toddler were going to fly, so Meredith decided to move to another room.

Right when Meredith stood up though, Zola mimicked her actions and remained still in the middle of the room, while Derek's eyes were already wide.

Meredith took two steps towards the kitchen and magically, Zola's tiny, unsteady feet moved too.

Derek gasped, a wide grin appearing on his lips, then he called out "Meredith!" and she immediately turned, gasping as well when she saw Zola standing on her own.

"Wait a second, Cristina" she said in the phone distractedly, just staring at Zola, who displayed a very focused face and looked very determined into walking this time around. She had her own stubborn personality already.

"Move back a step" Derek whispered to Meredith, still marveling at how long Zola was able to stand, or maybe time just stretched magically in his head.

Meredith obeyed him and, as soon as she was barely half-step away, Zola followed her and Meredith squealed "Oh my God!"

"What is it?" Cristina asked puzzled on the other side of the phone, clearly clueless

"Zola's walking!" Meredith replied in disbelief "I gotta go" she added, then the phone was hung up and forgotten while Meredith just stared at Zola and said sweetly "Come here Zola, come to Mommy", crouching at her level and opening her arms wide.

Zola looked tentatively at her, then tried one step, then another, then she fell face first, luckily still on the carpet and not on the hardwood floor.

The joyful atmosphere froze, before being cut by a loud cry of help. Meredith immediately came closer and picked up the baby girl from the floor, sitting against the couch and cuddling her scared daughter closer to her chest.

Zola was wailing and hiccuping loudly and none of the soothing caresses Derek tried seemed to work. When he touched her knees, she cried louder instead.

They sat huddled on the floor for a while, trying to come up with something to calm her down, until Derek stood up bluntly and grabbed four of the colored cups on the floor.

He stood right in front of Meredith and, not caring that Zola was hiding into Meredith's sweater, he began juggling the cups.

Meredith stared at her husband in disbelief as he stood in the middle of the room, clad in dress pants and a shirt, juggling cups like some kind of clown. He began with a simple juggling, then it became every time more complex and even more fascinating.

"Oh Zo, look at Daddy" she said, her voice amazed just as Zola's stare.

The baby lifted up her head completely from Meredith's chest and she began gazing curiously at her father, her hand disappearing in her mouth as she followed carefully every move, her eyes transfixed.

And as they came, the tears were forgotten.

When Derek purposely made the cups fall and make noise on the floor, Zola erupted in a contagious giggle, her eyes shining with happiness instead of tears. When Derek began tickling her then, she was laughing so hard it was almost difficult for her to catch her breath and so was for her parents, who were laughing with her again.

Then Zola crawled to pick up more cups and bricks and shoved them in Derek's hands, silently suggesting him to play some more.

And so they did, until all the laughing exhausted her and she began rubbing her eyes and leaning heavily against Meredith's chest.

She was asleep before Derek could lay her tired body in the crib.

When he came back downstairs, Meredith was tidying the family room, picking up the toys with a smile on her face. He turned her towards him and kissed her gently, sharing his happiness with her.

"She's sleeping already?"

"Out as a light" he confirmed, his eyes crinkling.

"She's walking" Meredith said, like she wanted the proof of it and he simply nodded, snuggling her closer as she cuddled to his chest in a warm, loving hug. "Where did you learn that?" she asked in a whisper, then

"Juggling?"

"Yeah. It was..."

"Dad taught me. He used to be a clown for parties when he was younger and sometimes he juggled to amuse us. One day I asked him to teach me and well, after having my head and toes hit multiple times, I managed the trick quite well"

"That's amazing" she said, truly fascinated.

"It's good for surgical dexterity too" he said "Way better than knitting" he added, amused and she snorted, shaking her head and standing on her tiptoes to kiss him.

"Whatever you say" she mocked, leaning again against his chest and enjoying the closeness.

He sighed deeply, relishing the feeling of Meredith in his arms, then whispered "Our little girl is getting bigger"

And she couldn't help but nod and wipe an almost invisible tear away from the corner of her eye.

* * *

><p><strong>To <em>Juni<em>, very kind reader without an account. You got the quote in the past chapter, virtual cookies for you! :D And consider the cookies the big thank you I can't express through PM.**

**I might have busted the adjective in this case, or got simply a hue of it. Appreciate the effort, okay? :D**

**Patrick Dempsey juggles. He has juggled in every movie he had filmed, except Transformers 3 and Flypaper, but it's not even mentioned once in Grey's Anatomy. They mentioned the racing, they had him drive around with a goofy grin, but no juggling. Here's my juggling scene for you. **

**I loved how they handled the whole walking thing, even thought they didn't really emphasize how huge in fact that is, with Zola having spina bifida and all that, but I'll let it slide, I'm gonna dwell on that on my own. But it was a great scene anyway. One of my favorites in this season, so far. I had been going way back with this Adjectives and yet I'm in S8, how weird is that? From them hanging around has pretended friends in the woods to this. The more you compare the two the weirder it gets, so I'm just gonna stop rambling right now.**

**To sum up: this was me, expressing my love for PD's juggling and Zola. Nothing less, nothing more. Deal with that.**

**R will be up soon, don't worry! Maybe not as soon as this last bunch of Adjectives had been, but in a week tops I'd dare say it will be up.**

**Thank you -all of you- for being such an amazing group of readers, always supportive of me and my work. Feedback is the best reward and so far I feel like I'm a pretty lucky young lady. Thank you!**


	18. R is for Resolute

**Resolute: Firm in purpose or belief, steadfast, determined.**

* * *

><p><em>Season 1 Episode 2, Meredith, after the elevator kiss. How great was that kiss, uh?<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested song: Ruby Blue – Roisin Murphy<em>

"_You'd better stop  
>And try to think<br>Look what you're doing"_

* * *

><p>"We'll talk later?"<p>

He had said tentatively while the doors of the elevator closed and I was running away from the damn elevator.

That simple sentence shouted to my back made my whole body tingle, almost as if his tongue was still dueling with mine.

_Oh hell, that had been the best kiss ever_.

I leaned against a wall, my eyes closing, trying to block out all the porny images of Derek, naked, on my bed or my couch or my living room floor or my kitchen or...

_Slow, deep breaths, Meredith. In and out_.

When I said I was drawing a line, Derek teased me with the marker thing. But maybe he was right, I really needed a marker to draw a line between us.

I remember, when I was like four or five and I went to playgrounds, all the older kids were stealing my toys: I told them I was drawing a line, actually drawing it in the sand box, fencing me into it, with all my toys and my father looking over, smiling.

I wasn't a social type even at a tender age.

Now, I was doing the same, trying to push him away, knowing already that it was impossible. So we kissed. In an elevator. Between five floors, we kissed.

He's my boss, and I couldn't push him away. He was good looking and funny and smart. And I was crossing all the lines drawn by others.

In that moment though, I couldn't care less about rules and lines and all that crap, because I was finally kissing Derek again and that elevator seemed to stop in the middle of the hospital, waiting for us to keep our hands off each other and breathe.

The line was drawn, but he made it such an easy effort to forget about everything and cross it. Just step ahead and cross it, no big deal, an invisible force dragging me towards him.

It was a great feeling, not like when I was a kid and I stayed alone the whole afternoon, complaining later with my mother, even if she paid no attention to me at all, like those children at the playground.

He was more than happy to cross lines with me, to break walls and destroy boundaries. At least from his kiss it seemed so. And also from the way he looked at me, not like he's seen me naked as I told him, but like I was the most beautiful thing around.

His glances made me feel complete, proud of myself. He had been looking at me like that since I kicked him out of my mother's house. His piercing blue eyes seemed to be genuinely happy every time they met mine. A strange sparkle that immediately draw me towards him, making him impossible to ignore as I planned on doing at first.

And God, the sexual tension between us made all my body tingle at his mere proximity, like a high school girl full with hormones. Which was even more unprofessional, considering that he was my boss and we had to work together for at least my entire internship.

_My boss with extremely captivating, sexy looks_.

I really needed a marker to draw a line between me and that looks.

* * *

><p><strong>So, this was rather short, maybe the shortest. I know there were billions R adjectives, I apologize. I hope you liked it anyway.<strong>

**Here we jumped back from S8 to 1, I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, going back and forth and then back again. I'm glad I embarked though!**

**The song was featured sometime on Grey's probably S2, but I'm not sure. Just check that.**

**I kind of delayed a little the update because after watching the latest episode (8x21) an idea just struck me and I had to get something about it. That something is a fresh, new one shot, _I Need My Girl_, with the aid of the always loyal The National as companions for that. Most of you have checked that out **already** -and loved it, and for that I'm grateful- but I want to advertise it a little here too ;)**

**I wanted to thank all the people who are still here reading for the love and the feedback given, you are great, truly great!**

**See you in the next Adjective, hopefully!**


	19. S is for Stunned

**Stunned: filled with the emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock**

* * *

><p><em>The making-of the House of Candles. For those of you who are a little lost on the timeline it is the very end of season 4, episodes 1617._

* * *

><p><em>Suggested Song: Heartlines – Florence + The Machine<em>

_This fantasy, this fallacy, this tumbling stone  
>Echoes of a city that's long overgrown,<br>Your heart is the only place that I call home,  
>I cannot be returned.<br>You can_

_Just keep following the heartlines on your hand_  
><em>Just keep following the heartlines on your hand<em>  
><em>Keep it up, I know you can.<em>  
><em>Just keep following the heartlines on your hand<em>

_What a thing to do._  
><em>What a thing to choose<em>  
><em>But no-o-ooh,<em>  
><em>In some way, I'm there with you<em>

* * *

><p>I needed to find Derek.<p>

My head was blank when I ran home, only one thought filling my mind as I drove: the drug works.

Months of hard work and research, twelve people died on our table but finally we could celebrate, because Beth's tumor had shrunk. I had no idea how to find Derek but right in that moment, nothing mattered. I had no clue where was our champagne either, so first I had to find something equivalent, then go to his trailer and open it with him.

Dance our victory dance.

Thinking that the trial was the only thing that kept us talking to each other felt like being a bug trapped in a cow-web and hanging by a thread. Was there anything else between us at this point, apart from hatred?

"_I don't wanna work with you, I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna talk to you. We're done."_

I sighed, pushing away the negative thoughts. He needed to be ready for our victory dance. Because I was.

I parked badly in my driveway, quickly opening the door and running downstairs to the basement. I had two or three hours more to spare, Derek was pulled in an emergency surgery and would be busy for at least three hours, but I knew I had to find that bottle anyway. My mother had kept wine down there, maybe there was still something drinkable to share with Derek.

It was rather dark down there, the small light bulb flickering for a whole minute before it could start lightening steadily. The room was enveloped in an amber light that softened every shape.

In front of the old wine rack there were a dozen of boxes, all badly taped and weighting a ton. On top of all of them, a plastic tube with not much dust on. It seemed a recent addiction, but I had no idea who put that there.

I lifted it up to analyze it under the light and as soon as it was better illuminated I knew what was that. Derek's blueprints. Well, his blueprints for the house he had wanted to build with me, before things would go to crap.

Despite the knowledge that I was wasting useful time, I couldn't help but open the tube and roll the plans open, right over the mysterious heavy boxes. A lump formed in my throat and tears threatened to fall.

The house was beautiful.

I hadn't paid attention when he rolled them out the first time, too busy freaking out over the whole thing, but I was regretting every single second of my freakout.

I could feel all the touches that Derek had added, a slight contrast to the straight lines the architect had drawn, and I knew exactly what he had wanted built there only for me. Or us. Or our children.

I took short, raspy breaths as I sunk to the dusty floor, blueprints on my lap, crying like a desperate child to whom had been stolen the favorite toy.

Derek was with Rose.

She was the one who was going to enjoy the sliding doors on the patio opening to the backyard. The attic with a view on Seattle. The bathtub with jacuzzi. The kids' playroom. The kitchen, big enough to be filled with his entire family or hers, depending on the occasion, just like the dining room. Five bedrooms.

I wanted all that. Not just the victory dance, everything. Every single detail in that house.

I ran my fingers on the paper, imaging how beautiful the house will actually look, standing out of the woods behind. I desperately wanted to see it and live in it for the rest of my life, with Derek.

The single idea of forever prompted me to roll the blueprint back in the tube and

stand up. I put them on the floor and I opened the first box, trying to understand what was inside it to move it better.

I was surprised to see a whole box brimming with candles. White, little candles, each inside a glass vase, piled up in two. And there were dozens of boxes around me. Thousands of candles I had no idea why or how they ended up there. They seemed like leftovers of a weird party or a kindergarten project.

I don't know if it was some weird twist of fate to tell me that I had found light -literally- or whatever, but I immediately interrupted my research for the substitute of the missing bottle of champagne and I came up with a better purpose.

I have never been big on romantic gestures or all that crap people in love do, but this, what I was planning to do, was much more than a romantic gesture. This was impressing Derek to tell him that I wanted that damn forever with him, the freaking happily ever after, the dying at one-hundred-and-ten in each other's arms, the house in the woods and the children.

I wanted all that.

With him.

And I needed to tell him that desperately, despite how much it could freak me out or how weird that sounded coming out of my lips.

* * *

><p>I needed to find Meredith.<p>

My only thought in my head was to find her. Tell her that her idea was worth the twelve lives we had ended shortly before term. That Beth could continue to live and love even if we killed her boyfriend. I needed to find her to tell her that I was incredibly sorry for all the hateful things I said to her.

She was so loving and so good that sometimes I forgot how perfectly she could hide her pain. Her hurt. Her disappointment. Every time I opened my mouth I said more hurtful things and she kept all them inside, bottling everything up to pretend that I was small and little and I could fit in a tiny space and disappear.

I wanted to spill out of that space and see her smile.

I began looking for her in the cafeteria, since it was around dinnertime, but she wasn't there. I looked up the OR board, but her name wasn't there. In the residents' lounge I found only Yang teaching sutures to Lexie on a banana and our bottle of champagne, but no Meredith.

I have our victory dance, but she's not here.

At first, when I began thinking about a victory dance, anything but drinking together popped out in my mind. The horizontal mambo. Dancing with Meredith involved aerobics, sweat and naked bodies, until we broke up.

No more naked Meredith, except in my head.

While I had sex with Rose.

It was a miracle I haven't screamed her name instead of Rose's. Or maybe it was a sign to just break up with Rose and be miserably alone for the rest of my life.

In that moment I was content in just spending time with Meredith and celebrating our achievement.

It had to be enough.

I ran to her house, but it was empty.

She had been there, I could feel it. I came in with the spare key under the mailbox and then I knew my suspicions were right. The scarf she had this morning was hanging at the rack, but the coat was missing, a lingering smell of her conditioner permeated the air. She had been there.

I tried to see if she was in her room, but it was empty, so I went back downstairs, a little at a loss.

In the kitchen though, there was a note, surely intended for her roommates but I couldn't help but feel relieved when I read it.

_'I'm at the trailer looking for Derek. We have a pending victory dance. Don't wait up for me, Meredith'_

I smiled at that, but the part she added at the bottom made me laugh out loud.

_'It's not a dirty victory dance, you pervs! The virus works! We made medical history! We deserve a little drinking, right?'_

I put the note back on the table and I sighed, imagining her outraged voice scold Alex and his thoughts in the gutter, then the way she smiled kindly to Izzie or George when they encouraged her.

The vision of her made me hurry out of there to my trailer.

I probably broke every possible speed limit and traffic rule, but I had to find her. I physically needed to see her and smile with her, drink the champagne and just be near her.

Her presence was calming, reassuring, familiar. It was a welcomed relief in the OR, during a complicated procedure or simply when you wanted to enjoy coffee and chat. Apart from lately, when her mere presence made me remember all my past mistakes, Meredith's company was a welcomed relief from the craziness of everyday life. It was like living in New York all day compared to being on my land.

I needed to find Meredith.

I hurried and hurried until my car was parked in the usual spot and the familiar trees welcomed me home.

I slammed open the door of the trailer when darkness was slowly enveloping my land. I called out her name, but she didn't reply. It wasn't like she had many places to hide in a trailer, but I looked around, because her jeep was parked next to mine and she had to be here.

I needed her there.

I walked out of my simple home and I inhaled the calming smell of my land, my eyes closing to enjoy the fragrance. It always smelled so good after sundown.

And when I reopened my eyes I knew where to find Meredith.

The flicker of dim lights was unexpected, but my heart leaped when I realized that she had picked the exact place I wanted to build our life on to wait for me.

I took another deep intake of breath, then I walked there, a skip in my step as I moved further away from the trailer, the lights moving closer and closer, until she wasn't just a shadow anymore.

She was there, pacing in the middle of a rectangular-shaped ring of candles, her face lighten up by the amber lights, her hands clutching the phone as she cursed my name like a sailor.

And when she looked up, her eyes blazing with annoyance, drive and passion, I knew I could never fall out of love with that woman.

"Where have you been?"

Yep, I definitely needed my forever to end with her.

* * *

><p><strong>I went with the double PoV here, because I needed to imagine how both of them had reached that place. It was a milestone episode, but there were a few details missing. It was a finale after all, they needed to have details missing so we'd keep watching. It's working, uh?<strong>

**The line in italics at the very beginning had been said by our dearest Derek in the same episode, right before Beth's surgery. I know, I want to kick his ass too...**

**The song here had been a pain. Honestly, I couldn't find anything that fit right. I hope Flo won't disappoint you, it's from the new album so maybe it's a song that more than one or two of you know. If not, she's a great singer, their music is great, check them out.**

**The remaining chapters are less and less and I already feel sad that it's almost over. I know I should focus on my exams but I can't help but feel nostalgic of the moment I put up A and I still had the whole journey ahead. Maybe I should just post another story, uh? Not a one-shot like _I Need My Girl_, a whole new story, with chapters. I admit it, I'm thinking about it.**

**Okay, I want to thank _Juni_ who keeps reviewing this story even without an account. I agree with you on the kissing! ;)**

**Well, I rambled enought for this Adjective. It was way longer than R, I hope you haven't been disappointed! ****T will be up soonish, I'm having a lot less classes so on some nights I'm able to just relax and wallow in the fact that at the end of the month I'll be swamped with exams. We all have been there, I guess you'll understand. **

**Thank you for your support!**


	20. T is for Therapeutic

**Therapeutic: of or relating to the treatment of disease; curative**

* * *

><p><em>4x12, Where The Wild Things Are. After Derek starts dating Rose and Meredith proposes the trial.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested Song: Weighty Ghost – Wintersleep<em>

_I got out of bed today,_ s_wear to God I couldn't see my face_  
><em>I got out of bed today staring at a ghost<em>  
><em>Who forgot to float away, didn't have all that much to say<em>  
><em>Wouldn't even tell me his own name<em>  
><em>Where'd my body go<em>

_Where oh where'd my body go?_  
><em>Africa or Mexico?<em>  
><em>Where or where'd my body go?<em>  
><em>Where'd my body go?<em>

_Have you seen my ghost?_  
><em>Staring at the ground?<em>  
><em>Have you seen my ghost?<em>  
><em>Sick of those goddamn clouds<em>

_Are you some kind of medicine man?_  
><em>Cut the demons out of my head<em>  
><em>You can't kill something that's already dead<em>  
><em>Just leave my soul alone<em>  
><em>I don't need no surgery<em>  
><em>Take those knives away from me<em>  
><em>Just wanna die in my own body<em>  
><em>A ghost just needs a home<em>

* * *

><p>He drove her to therapy.<p>

It was the only thought filling her head as she walked the aisles up to the Psych ward. Probably it was more her mother's influence that gave her reasons to go into therapy, but Derek delivered the last blow.

She'll end up like the crazy cat lady that lived alone in her neighborhood when she was in Boston. And she wasn't even good with pets. The only goldfish she had owned died of starvation because she forgot to feed it. She had named it Twash, probably recycling the nickname from one of the organs of her Anatomy Jane a long time ago. That doll had been the only toy Ellis had approved of and surely Meredith thrived in that benefit.

When she knocked on Dr. Wyatt's door, she knew that it was a mistake of cosmic proportions being there. She had nothing to say to a stranger. Why should she know all her deepest secrets when people around her didn't?

But in the end, she needed her sleep. She couldn't just work until exhaustion for the rest of her life, after all.

Dr. Wyatt let her in and Meredith sat, leaning against the couch with a sigh.

She was so damn tired.

"Okay, I'd better start talking now" she began, almost defeated, wriggling her hands nervously. When she looked up, there was a glimmer of hope in Dr. Wyatt's eyes. _Was there still hope for her?_

"So, you're not sleeping" the shrink stated, shaking Meredith from her stalling, bringing up the only thing she knew for sure about the woman sitting in front of her, apart from the stuff she caught on the gossip grapevine.

"Yeah. But, I'm not...I just..." Meredith trailed off, unable to find the right words "I'd just sound pathetic" she groaned.

"Go on. No judgment"

"Oh, you can't judge me, but you'll judge. Poor stupid intern sleeping with her attending and now she can't even sleep. Right, poor Meredith" she snapped, laughing hysterically. She felt indeed borderline psychotic at this point. _Way to ruin people's lives, Derek freakin' Shepherd!_

"First of all, you are a resident now and secondly, I'm not gonna judge in either case. I'm here to listen" the doctor said encouragingly and Meredith found herself wanting to give in.

She took a couple deep breaths, then she blurted "I can't..." she stopped, but the flow of the words was in motion, the dam too far gone to still be standing "I can't sleep without Derek holding me" she admitted, burying her face in her hands, trying to keep the tears at bay.

Shame. Her cheeks burned in shame.

"Why?"

"Why what?" _what kind of dumb question is that?_ "He broke up with me because I'm just ordinary and he wants so many big things I can't give him" she snapped

"But you want to give them to him" Dr. Wyatt stated simply

"I do." she blushed again

"So it's not just because you are not sleeping that you're here, then" Dr. Wyatt said simply and maybe it was the first time Meredith had figured that out.

"I..." she whispered, feeling suddenly more vulnerable than she had ever felt, like the classic naked-in-the-high-school-aisle dream "I want to be extraordinary with him"

"And were you, before?"

"We were," she sighed, nostalgically "Before the wife, the drowning, the nurse...oh, we were so extraordinary I thought we could last forever. And I don't believe in forever"

"Why not?"

"Have you met my mother?" she smirked, shaking her head, not a bit amused by it, though.

"No"

"Oh jeez. It was a joke. Sarcasm. Don't you shrinky people have a sense of humor?" she avoided, for a second sounding a lot like Cristina in her head

Dr. Wyatt though didn't let her fool around "Meredith," she began "Let's talk about your mother"

"No" she replied brusque.

"Why not?"

Ellis Grey wasn't something you could just bring up with no apparent reason. She was a force of nature, not something to chitchat about. She was everything Meredith will never become, not a conversation topic.

"Why should I? I don't need to talk about her to get over Derek"

"Okay" Dr. Wyatt said with a small smile, scribbling a few notes in her notepad

"Okay?" Meredith blurted out, her eyes widening, surprised that she wasn't pushing the issue. _Weren't shrink made to push it?_

"We'll get to that when you'll feel ready. There's no need to rush into this right now" she said simply, confidently and it threw Meredith off balance.

"Oh" she barely uttered at a loss of words.

Loss of words that was accurately noted by Dr. Wyatt.

"Tell me about you and Derek" she began the questions again

"I can't trust him. No matter how safe he makes me feel" Meredith stated, skipping over their whole story and simply getting to the point.

"Safe?"

"Yeah, I..." she began, fidgeting with her wristwatch "It's the moment when I am in his arms and the world just stops spinning and pretending and being so complicated" she sighed "We are so simple, and yet..." she trailed off, her eyes misty at the simple, faint memory of his arms enveloping her

"Yet things didn't work out"

"They never do for me" she admitted, defeated, tired. Her eyelids gave in, just for a second, and just remembering him around her almost let her fall asleep.

"What does this mean?" Dr. Wyatt pushed and Meredith jolted away from her non-sleep.

"It means that whenever I have plans, they always get screwed up"

"Name one" Dr. Wyatt kept pressing the issue, and then finally Meredith recognized the shrink technique.

"Why? Isn't a wife showing up not considered an enough screwed up plan?" she snapped, shielding herself from more painful memories.

"I want one not concerning Derek"

Meredith thought for a moment about her life before Derek, which suddenly was something so far and distant she hardly recognized it. Two things remained at the forefront of her mind: her mother getting Alzheimer's with her tour of Europe ending prematurely, and Thatcher leaving her.

Since she had vowed not to talk about her mother, she went for Thatcher.

"I was five years old. My father promised me to take me to the carousel in Queen Anne Park, you know, the one with the white horses and the music?" she waited, not for a real answer, but to just clarify her memories "He was at work that day, but he promised that in the weekend, when my mother was on call, he would have taken me for a ride. I was so happy I hugged him tightly and called him the best dad in the world. The day after that he left me. I haven't seen him in the following twenty-six years. He never tried to contact me or find me or whatever. I had to go and find him"

"Did you know your parents were getting divorced?"

"I heard them yelling, but I never thought he could just disappear into thin air, you know?" Meredith sighed, resigned about the whole thing.

The silence stretched as Dr. Wyatt wrote more and more, almost filling the faint yellow page, making Meredith feel even more under scrutiny.

Luckily for her, the timer of her session buzzed and she felt sighing in relief. She had had enough for one single day.

But she'd do this for the rest of her life if it meant getting Derek back.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Derek was staring at the water.<p>

It was the first time he had took the ferry alone, since Meredith's drowning. There was always somebody with him, usually her, when they got on. He didn't care that the ferry made him save at least fifteen minutes, he couldn't bring himself to go on a ferry alone and who cares if the main road was way longer. He had nobody to go home to, after all.

Never he could take Rose there too. She could be nice and all, but the trailer had been the place where he had fallen head over heels in love for Meredith and he wasn't ready to let go of her memories just yet.

He didn't feel ready for anything in this world anymore.

He changed quickly out of his work clothes as soon as he reached the safe confines of the metal walls, launching everything on his unmade bed, grabbed a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt, then headed down to the creek in his land with his brand new fishing rod. He had decided to buy a new one in case he would need a spare one for Meredith, but they never got to the point where he could ask her out on a fishing date.

He caressed the fiberglass, enjoying the smoothness, setting up the fly as a bait and leaving the rest of his equipment in his favorite spot. He began patiently casting the line and just waiting for his head to clear.

It wasn't his favorite place because he caught most fish in that secluded part of the creek, it was his favorite place because he had always imagined how well Meredith would fit there. Her petite frame curled up under that big tree right behind him, her bare feet dipping in the water, scaring away the trouts. But he wouldn't care that his net would remain empty, because she would be giggling and smiling happily, a sliver of sun shining on her golden locks and making her look like an angel. _His_ angel.

The love of his life.

He knew that Rose was never going to live up to Meredith's standards. She wasn't the one. Probably, if he had met Rose around the time he had met Addison, he would have married her too.

After Meredith, everything was on a completely new level.

He had fooled himself into thinking that Rose could give him what Meredith couldn't, but being honest, he was ready to wait for Meredith forever, if it meant that he could build her a Victorian-style house and fill it with children.

He had said that he couldn't, but he could. He was putty in her hands when she wanted to. A look was enough to throw all his judgment in the woods and take her on an exam room table. A look. One single, heated, angry look.

He had seen her too quiet, lately. A spark of her had just resurfaced, as she presented him a new trial, but that was it.

He missed her.

He was scared that this time, he had broken her for good. He had probably lost her forever and it scared him to death only the mere idea of never having Meredith by his side again.

He was so scared that he could see the line tremble in the water and not because a trout was biting. He was shaking in fear at the thought of losing Meredith.

And yet, he was fishing.

_Fishing, for heaven's sake!_

He was too fucking scared to even say something.

_I'm sorry._

_I love you. _

_Take me back._

_I'll breathe for you and I'll wait for you._

Derek Shepherd was too scared to even breathe for himself at this point.

So he started to cry.

* * *

><p><strong>This was rather dark, especially for Derek. He went fishing and he's sad and scared and he has no idea where to go from there. Because he's in love with Meredith, she's brilliant, she hands him a cool trial and he has to pretend to like Rose. Because in my little world he never even thought about leaving Meredith ;) So he goes fishing, to clear his head, and he ends up crying in the middle of the whole cleansing experience. <strong>**Meredith deals with him through Dr. Wyatt, he chooses trouts. You are the judges. **

**I know it didn't really need splitting, but I wanted to mark the shift of PoV. People seemed to like the split PoV last time and since I had already written it this way, I decided not to change it. It's not as up-close-and-personal as S was, but it's close.**

**Songs had been a pain you-know-where once again. I mean, honestly, I wrote this one as last -or around it- and I had NO idea what song to add here. Then I looked up _The Weight Of Us by Sanders Bohlke_ (or something like that, I bet I spelt that surname wrong again) and Weighty Ghost appeared. I have memories of listening to that song in the dark at my grandma's house and well...I kind of got a little teary-eyed and looked up the lyrics. It's the whole thing up there guys, I'm not lying. If you look at the first part, it's Meredith, the last one? All Derek. The chorus can be whoever makes you sleep at night, even you or me. **

**I have a couple of other songs who didn't make the charts -and yet I was that unsure about the song that I had four of them- so if you feel like this is not the right song, just say so and I'll send you the other choices. **

**All in all, I really hope you enjoyed. That's my main aim, here.**


	21. U is for Unsettled

_**Unsettled: **__**lacking order or stability; **__**unpredictable; uncertain**_

* * *

><p><em>Post prom or sometime around it. It starts at the end of the finale of S2, stretching a little more than that.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested song: Fools In Love – Inara George<em>

_"Fools in love  
>Are there any other kinds of lovers?<br>Fools in love  
>Is there any other kind of pain?"<em>

* * *

><p>I have always hated proms and balls and dancing nights from my early years of school, looking for every good excuse to miss them.<p>

I was forced by my yelling date to dance at my senior prom and not just get drunk, which was my main aim as I was there. I barely remember it, luckily.

Thinking about another prom, with a guy that loved proms, well, I kinda freaked out. There were too much things that needed special attention: dress, shoes, bag, make up, hair, back up excuses to leave early…

I wasn't ready.

I told Finn to wait me at the hospital, it was humiliating enough going there, I couldn't stand him picking me up at exactly the time planned all dressed up and crap like we were indeed in high school.

Staring at the image in the mirror, I was quite good looking in that black dress. I finally could give that dress justice, after a couple of years locked in the closet, waiting for the right occasion.

A date with Finn was a great occasion.

I was still wondering sometimes why I never had this kind of problems when I had dates with Derek. Probably because we never got the chance to have this kind of dates.

He was going to be there, with his freaking Isabella Rossellini wife, so I had to pretend he didn't exist. Like some kind of imaginary friend that somehow makes you tingle on the inside every time you're locked alone in an elevator or he leans over your shoulder to look at some scans and his aftershave fills your nostrils and your become weak on your knees.

_You're with Finn_, I repeated in my head, convincing myself it was a good thing. _Finn is good. You're with Finn_.

Going down the stairs when I was finally at the hospital, I lifted up my eyes from the floor and I saw both men looking up at me. I was glad George was out of the picture, it was embarrassing enough Derek's amazed glance while pouring his drink and Finn next to him, smiling almost proudly.

The mantra I was replaying in my head got fucked up all of a sudden as Derek's eyes met mine.

He kept on staring motionless, the world stopping with him for the few seconds our gazes were locked, until Finn was right in front of me and I had to pretend Derek was invisible. Except that his stare was very much real.

As Finn started to talk about future plans, dancing slowly on the outskirt of the dancefloor, I realized I wasn't freaking out as happened with Derek, I was just glad about his upcoming plans, with me. I was calm with Finn around and that was a huge bonus to definitely close the Derek's chapter of my life, moving forward.

Finn was good looking, smart, patient, funny, a bit broken maybe, but we were somewhat alike. I was glad to have him in my life.

Doc was dead now and so was my relationship with Derek.

We couldn't be friends, we tried, but we couldn't. Co-workers was hard enough.

With Finn everything was easy, natural. I was about to fall for him, maybe after this dance, after midnight, maybe I could just call him 'boyfriend' and make everything official, real. Real just like his plans, whispered in my ear.

Finn gently leaned closer and I rested my chin comfortably above his shoulder. I smiled, thinking about hugging that man for a lot while longer.

It felt nice.

Then _his_ look, again.

Derek's eyes, eager to meet mine and desperately trying to disguise his piercing glance as a friendly, completely casual look. It was heavy on me. Hard to avoid, and just like magnets we kept going back to stare at each other.

I ran out, leaving a startled Finn in the middle of the dancefloor, hoping to avoid Derek. Finn smiled innocently, unaware of all that happened literally behind his back.

Derek followed me and then, in the exam room, his look was desperate.

His words, his tone, his eyes were fighting to be somewhere else, hoping to be stronger and fight back temptation. It felt good yelling at him, seeing his face hurting, getting everything out of my chest. At the same time though, I felt something broke into little pieces in the same spot and it was hard not to cry. His eyes were glassy too, his tone raw and angry but still, his words full of unspoken love.

At some point we gave up, both of us.

We missed each other and we kissed.

We made love; we made a huge mistake.

We didn't had time to talk about what happened, to explain why it was so impossible for us to be apart. We didn't need any word to confirm that, our eyes and hands and tangled bodies spoke loudly enough.

Denny died in the meantime, but I wasn't able to focus for more than a minute straight. _Selfish_.

I was a better person with Finn, a bad cheater with Derek, but still, I wasn't able to let go. All my doubts and insecurities were restored after less than an hour spent with Derek.

I wasn't me, without him.

As bad as it could sound, I wasn't myself anymore, he took a huge piece of the old me and he had tuckered it in his heart, leaving a void in mine.

I could only ran out of the confining walls of the hospital, the crispy air offering my mistakes on a silver platter. Unable to admit my faults, to choose, to face everything that happened, I ran. Avoiding, my best technique so far.

Fight or flight wasn't even an option, after officially becoming a dirty mistress.

Flight in the dark, damp night, away from Finn's happy eyes, away from Derek intense, painful stares.

Away, home, out.

It didn't matter where, I just needed to be someplace else.

I arrived home and changed, wearing my old Dartmouth t-shirt, gray sweatpants and finally some panties, still wondering where in hell were mine after the exam room rendezvous.

I lied awake most of the night, still smelling Derek's bittersweet scent as I closed my eyes, feeling his passionate, but delicate hands on my skin and his enthusiastic kisses. His eyes, his smirk, his desire, everything was melting and mashing together in one, delightfully painful memory.

I loved every single second of it, of us.

Maybe it was all I needed to realize that our relationship was everything but ended.

Finn might have the best plans for our future, but I wasn't really looking forward to them as before, because all I could picture was a huge, elegant home on a cliff, overlooking the entire city of Seattle, lost but not forgotten in four acres of grass and firs.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, this, right here, was a <em>huge<em> ramble. Honestly, I was a little scared myself.**

**The song had been features some other time in season 2, probably episode 2 or 3 but I won't be so sure about that.**

**I wasn't really happy about this Adjective, but U gave me only negative vibes with the whole Un-adjective combo, so yeah. It wasn't one of my best, probably, but I still hope you enjoyed.**

**V will be surprising. Or at least it was surprising for me.**

**Thank you for stopping by, you are the reason why there are only 5 Adjectives left.**


	22. V is for Void

**Void: Lacking of, empty. Ineffectual, useless.**

* * *

><p><em>Post 8x0102. I wrote this right after the premiere so it casually comes full circle with the finale. Funny, uh?_

* * *

><p><em>Suggested song: Val Jester – The National <em>

_"Build a fire for Val Jester_  
><em>Build a room for your love<em>  
><em>Take your time when you tell her<em>  
><em>How she lives in your blood<em>

_You should have looked after her better_  
><em>You should have looked after her more<em>  
><em>You should have locked the door"<em>

* * *

><p>The door of her house closed with a thud. It was familiar, comforting, empty.<p>

Meredith had been coming home for days with Zola happily giggling and babbling in her arms, drool all over her while she showed her perfect gum smile. Meredith's arms were yet empty.

She turned to the kitchen and bottles, bibs and colorful tableware filled the counter, still temporary, needing a stable place. Useless.

In the living room, a soft carpet replaced the worn out coffee table, colorful toys laying there forgotten. A tiny sweater was draped on the cushions, forgotten the evening before.

Meredith's eyes filled with tears.

She stood still in the middle of the silent house, waiting for something, anything to move past this, anything to prove to Janet that they were fit, that there were no red flags, no harm. _They were freaking surgeons!_

Nothing good seemed to come out of her musing.

Meredith climbed upstairs and the fleeting presence of Zola was everywhere.

When the bedroom door opened with the usual cracking sound she couldn't take off her eyes from the wooden crib they had bought merely days before, the linens, the stuffed toys. The beds were unmade, a few things scattered here and there but still, no baby for that.

Meredith stood there, motionless, waiting for it to pass, just like Derek suggested her before the bomb, just like she knew it would only go downhill from there.

She stood.

* * *

><p>Derek stopped on the porch, in front of a glass door he had a key to, but he hadn't opened in days.<p>

Being back on his land had been a necessity, Hunt had been good company while he build up a few things with the construction company, the silence relaxing. Suddenly being up there was the only thing he could master without feeling guilty.

Derek tried opening the door and, as usual, it was open. Nobody seemed to be home though, all the other roommates probably were still at the hospital enjoying their first day as fifth year residents. In the foyer though there was Meredith's bag, right under Zola's coat.

His eyes filled with tears. _They didn't have a baby anymore_.

He didn't care that he had seen her only for a few hours, or in between surgeries, that she spent most nights with Meredith or that he missed his old life; they had a baby and yet she wasn't with them.

He climbed upstairs when he heard drawers opening and other undistinguished movements disturbing the silence.

He hadn't been there in ages and everything looked different.

The door of the master bedroom was open and a crack of light filled the otherwise dim-lighted corridor. He peeked in the room and leaned against the door, watching Meredith.

She gave him her back and she probably hadn't noticed him, too wrapped up in folding colorful onesies and tiny dresses, rearranging an empty drawer with clothes, another drawer filled with bottles of shampoo, tubs of cream and diapers was open as well. She was folding and smoothing every item before carefully putting them away, her hands lingering on particularly cute dresses Zola never had the chance to wear.

"You don't need to be here, Derek. It's done" she said, her voice empty, or filled with everything, it depended from which point of view you considered it.

He remained quiet, watching her folding and smoothing and folding and...

"You were right. You are always right" she whispered, her eyes unable to contain the tears anymore. "I'm a bad mother" she bit her lip to keep from crying and their eyes met. She stared at him, wordlessly, her eyes shimmering, her hands clutching a cute pajama with undefined animals on.

"Meredith"

"I screwed it up, you can say it. You can yell Derek" she said, her voice defeated, low, tired.

"You had been great with Zola" he replied honestly because honestly had lacked for so long in their relationship.

"Derek, I stole her. You can yell." her voice a little less wavering.

"I..."

"Yell, please, yell at me!" her voice rose, her eyes flamed "It's my fault she's gone. I screwed up. You were right. Yell."

"Meredith, I left. I came up with the schedules..." he tried to make her reason, but she was stubborn. He loved and hated it about her.

"People with issues shouldn't be parents. This is the universe telling me I'm a disappointment. My mother alone wasn't enough, apparently" she muttered to herself the last part but it broke Derek's heart anyway.

"What the hell does your mother have to do with this?" his voice rose. Her mother was still there and he didn't know how to make her understand that she wasn't anything like her.

"Everything! It's her fault I'm an awful mother, that I almost died, that I'm a fucking lemon!" she yelled "But then you'd say," her voice changing, trying to mock him "You changed so many things, you could change that too; so it all comes down to _me_" her fist clenched on the garment in her hand.

"Meredith"

"I'm toxic Derek. Just...just go back to the freaking trailer" she said, not really meaning it, just needing something, anything to hang on to, to start over from, instead of the umpteenth reason to feel once again alone and a disappointment.

"Meredith, we'll get Zola back"

"You simply don't get it, right?" she snapped, her hands gesturing animatedly "It's all about you. You're not the one with family issues, you're not the one with the crappy genes and the fucked up uterus, you're not the one that had blood run down his thighs. You can't get it!" she yelled and he saw somehow the Meredith he always loved behind this, the one that kept waiting for him, the one that feels everything a tiny bit too deeply not to care. That was her and she was broken.

"Okay, so you're the one to blame." he wanted to make her reason, to shake her out of it, so he fueled.

"Derek, I destroy things. Everything I touch implodes, can't you see that? I'm fucking up the Chief's life as well now!"

"That's all his doing"

"I'll just go apologize to the board tomorrow" she said, tired of fighting, tired of being a disappointment

"You don't go anywhere" he said firmly, staring her down.

"You don't get to say what I can or I can't do!" her voice rose back to the feisty quality it had minutes before.

"You're my wife!" his voice rose and she stopped, stunned, for a moment the house quiet and the air tense between them. "You're my wife and I love you" he added. His voice softened just like her eyes.

"We...I already lost another baby Derek, I can't...I just..." her whole strong, tough demeanor suddenly crumbled and she began sobbing loudly, burying her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking violently.

In a blink, Derek's arms were around her and she was sobbing into his chest, his hands soothing her, tracing circles on her back and stroking her hair.

Meredith clutched to his sweater, holding onto him for dear life, her whole body shaking.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" she said breathless, between sobs

"Shh, it's gonna be all right, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere" he soothed "I'm sorry too, Meredith. I'm sorry too"

He held her tightly and she cried, while a few tears escaped his eyes as well, even if he was able to hide them.

"We'll get her back, right?" she asked when she was finally calmer in his arms and her sobs had subsided.

He pulled her away from his chest and looked deeply into her eyes, all the issues and the fears still there, but something new with them, something different. She was still the same Meredith Grey. "We'll do anything in our power to make this right. I promise you. I know I've never been big on keeping promises but I'm going to keep this."

"I love her so much already, I just wanted to protect her" she whispered, taking in a deep intake of breath.

"I know Mer, I know"

"I'm sorry"

She leaned in and pressed her soft, salty lips to his in a searing kiss -a sort of welcome back where you belong or something- then she put her arms around Derek's neck and pressed her face on his shoulder, under his chin, relishing the new found closeness she had missed.

"I never stopped loving you" she whispered, suddenly needing to say it out loud.

"Neither did I. Post-it, remember?" he said and he could feel a hint of a smile on her lips.

They still had to fight for Zola, they still needed to get back together, they still had a house to finish but right in that moment, they knew everything was simply as it should have been from the start.

* * *

><p><strong>This was a typically healing fic. Imagine my surprise when an episode or so later that exact scene of Meredith folding clothes really comes up. And there's a The National song as a background. I felt like a psychic for a little while. This is was mainly why this chapter was surprising for me. The rest of it, nothing out of the ordinary, honestly.<strong>

**Things turned out pretty decent after this for them, excluding the last episode, right? After this premiere I was worried, like...worried. I'm not gonna comment on the finale. You can if you want, but if I'll ever comment on that it will be through a one-shot or a new story. I'm still processing it which takes a while, especially after something like this.**

**Bottom line, I don't own the show, even if apparently me and the Grey's people think alike when it comes to folding clothes and background music. **

**I hope you enjoyed, thank you for stopping by!**


	23. W is for Welcome

**Welcome: Received with pleasure and hospitality into one's company or home. Giving pleasure or satisfaction; agreeable or gratifying.**

* * *

><p><em>Sometime after 8x10 but before 8x11. Random. Absolutely random. Weird PoV too, you are warned!<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested song: In The Sun – Coldplay ft Michael Stipe (Live at Austin City Limits)<em>

_"I don't know anymore  
>What it's for<br>I'm not even sure  
>If there is anyone who is in the sun"<em>

* * *

><p>Lily stood for a moment watching the two doctors that had took care of her family on the scene chatting happily. The guy, Dr. Karev, seemed in a hurry, a small smile on his usually hard features, while the woman, Dr. Grey, was smiling widely.<p>

A day had passed and her life had just shifted. In a blink, she was responsible for her siblings and those two doctors couldn't do a thing about it.

"Hey Alex" she hard Dr. Grey say "You'd better come over sometimes" then they parted.

Dr. Grey looked around herself for a moment, then resumed her previous work, focusing on her charts.

She owed everything to those two people. Them and all the other doctors who worked hard to make Michael and Abby feel better. Abby could see and Michael would live a normal life, despite all the surgeries he had to undergo. She was grateful, even if she had no clue how they were going to pay for all that. Her babysitting surely wasn't going to pay much. She sighed, not seeing any way out of that darkness.

Lily looked up again and Dr. Grey wasn't alone anymore. With her there was Dr. Shepherd, one of the guys who had saved Abby's eye, in street clothes and holding a baby girl on his hip. He approached Dr. Grey and her face immediately lit up. The little girl held out her arms and she welcomed her, then Dr. Shepherd leaned in for a quick kiss on Dr. Grey's forehead.

Lily felt a sudden wave of jealousy towards them. Because she had what they did, -a family- even when she couldn't stand them, she had them around. And yet it was just her and Michael and Abby remaining. Just the three of them. And Dr. Grey had it all.

She couldn't look away, as Dr. Grey snuggled the baby closer to her chest, kissing the top of her head as the two doctors spoke in hushed tones, secret smiles gracing their features.

"Look, I'll be out of here in an hour" Dr. Grey said with a grin, handing back the baby to Dr. Shepherd.

"We can wait for you" he smiled back, simply looking at her with eyes full of love. The same way her parents used to look at each other sometimes.

"Go grab something to eat, then we can meet up in the lobby and eat together at home. I'll page you if something comes up" she concluded, kissing the baby in his arms first, then pecked his lips.

"Alright. Say bye bye to Mommy, Zo" the doctor cooed to the baby, who messily clapped her chubby hands covered in drool.

"Bye baby girl. Bye Derek"

"Bye Mer" he said goodbye one last time, before leaving Dr. Grey stand there alone, once again filling charts.

Lily got out her siblings' room, the one when they had luckily put them together, knowing that visiting hours were officially over. Even if they were, the nurses usually let her stay. Her house felt so empty with no one in it. It was a strange sensation, knowing that nobody was going to be there, except her. Nobody was at work or at school, asleep on the couch or simply in his own room. It was just empty and it suffocated her most of the time. In the hospital was easier to keep things on her mind, the hustle and bustle usually comforting. But she needed clean clothes and so did her siblings.

"Hey Lily" she was surprised when Dr. Grey looked up to her and smiled kindly. It wasn't forced or fake, a smile she had seen so much lately, it was sincere. She seemed happy to see her there, or maybe it was a lingering happiness, who knew.

"Dr. Grey" Lily greeted politely, managing a smile

"I checked on your brother earlier, he seems to do great" she said "How's Abby? I haven't had the chance to ask Der...Dr. Shepherd about her before"

"She's good. Looks like she's gonna see again, luckily"

"That's good" Dr. Grey smiled, shutting the chart "How are you doing, instead?" she added and it surprised Lily a little. Everybody always stopped after the routine questions about her siblings' health, they didn't care much about her, but apparently, Dr. Grey did.

"I..." she tried to answer, but tears filled her eyes and her voice became choked "It's hard"

"I know"

The tone of Dr. Grey's voice seemed again sincere, like she had been in her shoes once and she knew it wasn't pretty. Lily was a little blindsided.

"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from visiting your siblings" Dr. Grey chuckled then, a little embarrassed.

"It's fine. I...I'm glad you asked" Lily blurted out without thinking and something happened in the blue-green eyes staring at her. A twinkle, something different appeared there.

"You know, the baby girl you breathed for, she's going to come home tomorrow. You saved her life"

"No, you guys saved her life"

"You breathed for her. I know we couldn't save your parents and you have no idea how much I wanted to, but she's alive. And her mother would be forever grateful to you. She asked me about you"

"She did?" Lily blurted out surprised, as she absorbed all the information the doctor was giving her.

"Yeah. She said she would love to thank you personally"

"Oh, I...I'll go tomorrow, visiting hours are over"

"Yeah, I know. We can go together, if you're up to"

"I...Maybe"

Dr. Grey smiled kindly, studying her with a glance, then frowned a little "Have you eaten yet?" she asked, her tone concerned, different from before, almost...motherly. And Lily gave in.

"No, I was just..."

She looked at her watch and smiled "My shift is officially over, why don't you let me drive you home?"

"I'm sure someone is waiting for you" Lily said discretely, knowing that her and Dr. Shepherd had plans already.

"Oh, Derek can wait a little" she grinned, dismissing the thought of him with a wave of her hand.

"It's not..."

"Please"

"Okay" Lily gave in. That doctor had something to make others bend to her will and she felt awful at refusing such an offer.

"Alright. I'm going to change, you can wait for me in the lobby"

Dr. Grey put the chart and pen back in their places, then hopped away. Lily instead moved downstairs, where she immediately spotted Dr. Shepherd bouncing a whimpering baby girl. She sat on the chairs and smiled at him in a friendly way, while he barely grinned, then whispered to the baby "Mommy is going to be here in a blink, then we can all eat together, Zo. Please, don't cry" he almost whined himself and Lily had to chuckle at the sight: the man was a renowned neurosurgeon and he had a hard time calming his baby.

Suddenly Lily stood up and said "Can I try to distract her? I babysit sometimes"

"Do whatever you want" he said, defeated already, but with a sincere smile.

Lily began playing with Zola peek-a-boo and the baby was suddenly enthralled. A couple of peeks later, she was giggling in her father's arms.

"Thank you."

"Dr. Grey is on her way" Lily replied and smiled at his puzzled look.

Before either of them could say anything more though, the person in question appeared with a huge smile on her face.

"I see that you've met Zola"

"Oh, I couldn't help but say hi to such a beautiful baby" Lily replied, winking to Dr. Shepherd, who sighed in relief.

"She is, isn't she?" she cooed to the baby, kissing her cheek and making the baby giggle even louder. "Ah, I'm sure you know Dr. Shepherd here, but I believe you don't know Derek, my husband" Dr. Grey said proudly and their eyes met for a meaningful glance.

"If I'm Derek, she's Meredith" he stated immediately, drawing our a smile from Lily.

"Okay, I get it"

"Look Derek, I said I'd bring her home tonight, don't wait for me to start eating" she said, a little apologetically and Lily felt suddenly bad for ruining their evening.

"If you have plans..."

"Okay, I have takeout. Lots of it, because I always think about your friends who come at the most unexpected hours." Derek grinned then "Why don't we eat all here in the cafeteria instead, then we bring you home?"

"You don't have to do that, seriously..."

"That's a great idea, Derek" Meredith smiled at her and Lily felt he had to give in again.

"Alright, okay"

"She's bossy, keep that in mind" Derek winked at her and Lily couldn't help but giggle.

"You don't have to drive me home, though. I live on Bainbridge and it's far..."

"Wait, where?"

"A little on the hills, almost above the docks" she trailed off

"You know, we're building a house there. It's almost finished." Derek grinned proudly

"You mean that the builders at the end of my road are putting up your house?" Lily's eyes widened considerably. "Wow"

"Oh, that's a coincidence"

"That house is amazing"

"You and your siblings could come over sometime" Meredith said honestly, knowing how hard it will be for Lily to juggle it all.

"It's too much, really..."

"Or since you told me you babysit..." Derek began, ending the sentence with a smile.

"That is more acceptable" Lily smiled and watched the silent conversation taking place between the doctors, their eyes engaged in meaningful glances and poignant pauses as they stared at each other. Until they both smiled.

"I guess we should know better our future babysitter" Meredith grinned and in her own way, she agreed to Derek's proposal "What a better way than over a meal?"

Lily smiled and for once, she felt welcome in the world again. She felt like things were starting to work out for her once more. The cards were new and tough to deal with, but she was going to make it. And maybe a little grown-up help was all she needed for.

* * *

><p><strong>This was indeed random. I just had this idea that somehow Meredith would still help that girl, after the connection they had during the whole episode. I really loved Meredith in that episode, I think on some extent, Lily reminded her of herself, when her mother told her about the Alzheimer and she just needed to do something more.<strong>

**It was once again something written right after watching the episode and I wish the different PoV didn't confuse you much and that I hopefully got it right. Then, I also like to speak about Meredith and Derek's relationship as other see it, not just what they can feel inside like us writers do most of the time. Lily could be you or me or everybody who watches them start a family, if you take out the horrifiying circumstance in which they met. **

**The song here is a cover, but I fell in love with the live, covered version. The original is from Joseph Arthur and is pretty good as well. There's just something magical about mixing Coldplay and R.E.M. in a tune, though. You are the judges of this anyway. **

**As they would say "May God's love be with you" and thanks in advance for your kindness all through this whole project, we're almost at the end!**


	24. X is for Xenobiotic

**Xenobiotic: foreign to the body or the ecological system**

* * *

><p><em>S3 E1516, the drowning, it's pretty clear as you go on. The adjective, well, I had to go find it ;)_

* * *

><p><em>Suggested Song: Post Blue – Placebo<em>

"_It's in the water baby,  
>It's in the special way we fuck,<br>It's in the water baby,  
>It's in your family tree,<br>It's in the water baby,  
>It's between you and me."<em>

* * *

><p>It was a moment, before the solid ground of the dock could slip under my feet.<p>

I knew how concrete felt like under my sneakers, even when slippery and wet like it had been that day. I've been on ferryboats too many times not to remember.

And yet, I was free-falling.

It wasn't long before my back could hit the water and the pain of it, albeit not being totally unexpected, was much more than what medical textbooks described. I didn't even have time to process it all though, before being swallowed by a wall of dark, freezing, salty ocean water. The coolness probably numbed the instant pain a little.

I didn't know if I had to be grateful for it or not.

I knew the man that had accidentally hit me just had a seizure, so I was pretty confident someone was going to come and rescue the guy, but then, who knew I was here?

The mute, pigtailed girl on the dock, with the wide eyes and the blonde hair knew about me. They were going to look for a child.

_My whole life was in the hands of a kid_.

I had to do something.

When the numbness slowly faded, I gasped and tried to come up for air.

When I finally broke through the surface though, I knew the cause was lost. The docks were far away, the hustle and bustle around the cracking ferryboat, distant.

I was in the middle of the ocean, conducted by waves and hanging on a thread. My muscles were already aching from the cold, despite how much I tried to move, both to not sink down and to keep myself warm. I was glad I didn't have the jacket anymore to drag me down.

I felt myself slip under the current again and for a second, the blue ocean swallowed me, pulling an indigo veil over my head. It was an immense, never-ending sight of dark blue, mixed with gray from the overcast sky and an unknown green.

A wave crashed against my chilling body as I re-emerged and after a shiver, I spat out the water that had filled my open mouth and nostrils. There wasn't enough oxygen to keep me up much longer, I was already gasping for air and my legs were cramping.

Never had I felt such a chill into my bones as right in that moment, I think I could count all two-hundreds-and-six of them. I was conscious of how things were progressing. I knew I didn't have much more time to sort things out. I tried to swim, but it was impossible, my limbs already too weak to properly work a stroke.

So I let my mind wander with the waves.

It was a beautiful way to die; simply disappear in that endless blue.

No one was going to miss me anyway. Maybe my friends, but after a while they'll understand it had been for the medicine, a greater good, they will understand.

My mother, well, even if she could be lucid, she'll never think I'll be enough so yeah, for Ellis Grey the fact that I was dying wasn't much of a concern. Never had been and it will ever be. She wasn't even conscious to realize my death either.

Another wave burned salty water into my lungs and I coughed, my body still responding to my stimuli but growing heavier and heavier.

I tried to remember what I thought about while I was holding the bomb and I could only picture Derek's face.

There he was, in all his glory, his eyes bluer than this ocean, his perfect hair darker than the depth into I was falling into. But I knew that this time, he wasn't going to help. It was different, but yet the same.

If I died, he could move on. Have a family. The children he deserves so badly. The house on the cliff. He could have it all, without me. He'd be happy sooner or later.

So, what was the point for me to fight for?

Apparently none.

It was the easy way out, sinking into the depths of the sea.

I fought at first, I knew it was a survival instinct. But then, rationality took over and my brain, despite being almost frozen, realized that I would never get out of the claws of the ocean alive, so I might as well enjoy every last breath I was going to take.

The last breath I took above water, before sinking, was the one I savored most in my life.

Then I just closed my eyes and drifted in the darkness, thinking how much I still loved Derek with every fiber of my sinking, freezing body.

It was easier, so much easier to just give up.

Dying wasn't all that scary, all of a sudden.

If I was never going to be extraordinary, I might as well be dying like a lame ass loser, drowning in Elliot Bay.

So I sunk in the dark.

* * *

><p><em>Alternate Suggested Song: Never Let Me Go - Florence + The Machine<em>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Well, this was a tough one, both to write and to find an adjective in the first place. The paradox is that I had this written before O or N, but let's pretend I kept this for myself, uh?<em>**

**_The song well, it's dark and harsh. Placebo are dark and twisty often, but Florence and her band are just equally fitting for this. Just pick one. This adjective was somewhat personal to write, even though I have no idea how does it feel to drown in an ocean, I know how it feels like to fall in a pit of water and not being able to swim. I can relate. And I still can't swim._**

**_Moreover, I just felt my butt shake all day through three or four shocks and aftershocks of an earthquake that shook Bologna and many other cities the region of Emilia Romagna, where I'm living at the moment because of my studies. Deaths are piling up, buildings are falling apart (not here, luckily) and I just have no idea what to do or think or feel anymore. Faculty is closed, exams might or might not be postponed, we live hour by hour. It feels stupid to be updating, but it's even more tiresome to just sit around and wait, with a bag next to the bed for an early wake up call at 4AM like we had a couple of weeks ago. I needed to keep my mind of things and doing this felt somewhat liberating._**

**_I hope you all are doing okay and that you never had the direct experience of an earthquake, because it's absolutely unsettling. _**

**_Thank you for stopping by and giving me a sense of normalcy that somehow gets lost in situation like those._**


	25. Y is for Young

**Young: Of, belonging to, or suggestive of youth or early life**

* * *

><p><em>So, pick a night in S8 and you'll be fine. Honestly, the timeline here is really loose.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested song: Low – Flo Rida<em>

* * *

><p><em>And shawdy got low, low, low, low<em>.

Meredith forced back a smile hearing the song on the radio, her fingers tapping on the armrest out of an habit. Derek noticed it and smirked.

"What is it?"

"Nothing" she shrugged off, her eyes not meeting his, a rosy blush spreading over he cheeks.

"C'mon, you're hiding something" he pushed

"How do you know that?" she hid her smirk

"Well, because I know you. You get all avoiding and you don't meet my eyes. You blush, you fidget with..."

"I get it, I get it" she breathed out, frustrated and he smiled widely

"You still keep it for yourself, then"

"Hm-hm" she nodded a dangerous smirk appearing on her lips.

"Is it something dirty? I see dirty in your eyes" he joked and she smiled coyly

"Not telling"

"Okay, it's dirty" he stated and she giggled, her hand came resting on his thigh and moved upward slowly.

"Dirtier than this" she purred in his ear and he cleared his throat loudly, gripping the steering wheel with both hands until his knuckles were white.

_Shawdy got low, low, low, low, low_.

"You know, I was a champ of 'getting low' in college" she said, her voice still a sexy whisper. "And Med School"

"You were?" he spoke, his voice throaty, almost strained.

"But I'm keeping the rest for myself" she concluded, pulling away and turning towards the windows, an amused smile on her lips.

Derek's eyes widened and he felt suddenly cold without her hand teasing him. "I want to know" he tried to pout, but she didn't fell for it.

"I learned to be flexible, in college" she said and he stiffened, knowing how flexible she actually was but at the same time, the thought of her with other men disgusting him.

"I had to keep Mark's hands off every breathing girl, give me something here, my college years had been shameful!"

"Mine as well" _but surely in completely different meaning_, he thought, his mind already in the gutter. She had this ability to keep him in the gutter all the time, he felt like Mark when they were in college, just to draw a comparison.

"Were the drinking parties in Dartmouth as awesome as they described?"

"First drinking school for a reason, baby!" she cheered for her alma mater, then sobered up "I have no clue how I passed my finals with the amount of alcohol I ingested every weekend" she admitted, a sad smile appearing on her lips this time.

"You were young and foolish" he smiled reassuringly at her

"Bowdoin was our rival for drinking parties, you had the chance for a great party sometime"

"Yeah, but Columbia was lame, really"

"It's sad I wasn't around for the annual party between the two schools when you were there, it would have been fun"

"What? Trying to seduce me?" he grinned

"Well, your pick-up lines are kinda rusty"

"It worked, didn't it?"

"I was vulnerable and good looking, it's not fair" she retorted, a wide smirk appearing on her lips

"Oh, well, we were in the same shoes. And you took advantage of me"

"Here we go again" she sighed amused

"That's a thing that will need to be settled at some point"

"Yeah, yeah" she smirked, then a glint in her eyes made him worry. "We need to have a story for the grandchildren"

Derek's world stopped for a second, feeling the warmth of that simple sentence and he simply kept driving with a giddy smile on his face.

The glint of her eyes slowly disappeared and for a second she had the same expression she had in surgery, when she found out the perfect technique and executed it perfectly. She squirmed in her seat, then twisted and bent in every possible position, turning backwards to grab her purse, left hurriedly on the car seat behind Derek's back next to a bunch of stuffed toys, her arm brushing his shoulder just enough to make both of them shiver.

She fished out her phone and clicked a few buttons, just to turn towards him and mouth with a smirk "I'm so glad we have the house all for ourselves tonight so I can show you exactly how flexible I learned to be in college"

Then she was calling Cristina and her sexy, sultry flirting was suddenly replaced by baby talk and a soft smile, her eyes twinkling with a light that only Zola could bring out.

It was like he knew two Meredith, the partying girl and the mother of their baby and being honest, he loved them exactly the same. And he still had a hard time realizing that they both were the same woman who was sitting next to him with a gentle smile on her lips: his wife.

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><p><strong>So, this Adjective was light and easy, the complete opposite of X. I apologize for the slight delay but I busied myself with my new projects and I honestly thought I had updated already. Maybe it was my subconscious who was reluctant to end this story ;)<strong>

**So, the bits about the best drinking schools actually were what inspired the whole thing. I think I read an article on the Huffington Post or another online newspaper where they discussed the topic of best college parties and when I saw the list, well, I couldn't not write something with Meredith and Derek in it. With Columbia I used my freedom of writing whatever I want ;)**

**It was a simple car conversation between husband and wife, with a little teasing and a little sharing, something simple that I miss sometimes. **

**Okay, this was Y. Z will be up too soon for my likings.**

**I want to thank you for your patience and all the anonymous reviewers, I really enjoy reading your opinions each passing Adjective! Hang in there for the final chapter!**


	26. Z is for Zonked

**Zonked: highly intoxicated from drugs or alcohol, utterly exhausted**

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><p><em>Season 4, when Derek goes home with Rose; the aftermath.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Suggested Song: Hurricane Drunk – Florence + The Machine<em>

_No walls can keep me protected  
>No sleep<br>Nothing in between me and the rain  
>And you can't save me now<br>I'm in the grip of a hurricane  
>I'm gonna blow myself away<em>

_I'm going out_  
><em>I'm gonna drink myself to death<em>  
><em>And in the crowd<em>  
><em>I see you with someone else<em>  
><em>I brace myself<em>  
><em>'Cause I know it's going to hurt<em>  
><em>But I like to think at least things can't get any worse<em>

_No hope_  
><em>Don't want shelter<em>  
><em>No calm<em>  
><em>Nothing to keep me from the storm<em>  
><em>And you can't hold me down<em>  
><em>'Cause I belong to the hurricane<em>  
><em>It's going to blow this all away<em>

_I'm going out_  
><em>I'm gonna drink myself to death<em>  
><em>And in the crowd<em>  
><em>I see you with someone else<em>  
><em>I brace myself<em>  
><em>'Cause I know it's going to hurt<em>  
><em>But I like to think at least things can't get any worse<em>

_I hope that you see me_  
><em>'Cause I'm staring at you<em>  
><em>But when you look over<em>  
><em>You look right through<em>  
><em>Then you lean and kiss her on the head<em>  
><em>And I never felt so alive<em>  
><em>And so dead<em>

* * *

><p>The Emerald City Bar was a place Meredith Grey was very fond of. Joe was friendly, he had comfortable bar stools, booths and tequila.<p>

He mainly had tequila though. And she had an open tab there.

"Hey Meredith!" Joe greeted her happily while pouring her a shot. "You are one of my favorite clients out there" he joked and she smiled sadly.

"Even when I knit?"

"Especially when you knit"

She drowned the amber liquid and she felt it burn down to her stomach, filling the void that Derek Shepherd had left.

They are over. For good this time.

No more sex and mockery, no more secret wives, nothing like that. He has a nurse, she's not good enough.

She has never been good enough for anybody.

She wonders if she ever will.

Joe came back in front of her and poured her the second shot of the night.

"You know what Joe, bring me some salt and lime" she said "Tequila is the synthesis of life, why don't we make it bitter too?"

"Philosophical much?"

"Dumped, that's different" she shook her head, chocking on her words while Joe held out the requested ingredients.

"Shepherd again?"

"It will always be Shepherd" she said dismissively, then licked the salt from her hand and drowned the tequila. The lime disappeared in that frenzy of alcohol and burning sensation, just like she wanted to make herself disappear. Become invisible just for another month, a year, the rest of her life.

She couldn't bear the thought of Derek making a life with someone else. She had never admitted it, but she wanted a life with him and that nurse stole it, right under her nose. She wasn't ready and maybe she will never be ready again. Nobody will ever top Derek and she knew it perfectly.

At least she knew that at this point she'll never ruin a child's life like her own mother did.

She nodded emphatically at Joe, who poured the third shot of the night. She replied the ritual, somehow feeling some kind of purpose towards life, making a ritual of getting drunk. She could drown again, in alcohol, not even feeling a little bit guilty about it.

He wasn't there to catch her anymore and he never will.

Meredith felt empty, once again, and she really wished for two hours of vomiting the following morning. In the end, being an alcoholic was in her DNA.

She drowned the shot without any second thought, the lime even more impalpable than before. When the upside-down glass hit the counter with a tingling sound and she looked up, the bell at the door chirped and brought in a whiff of cold air, musk, wind and humid. It brought in Seattle at her best.

The figure that entered the bar was unmistakeable.

She had dreamed about that body for years, day after day, while he was married, after she drowned, when he dressed after sex at three in the morning; she always dreamed about that body that had stepped in the mildly crowded bar.

He had a coat on but he draped it on his chair and pulled out the one opposite to his for his date.

It hurt.

She hadn't even looked at the woman and it hurt immensely. She snatched the shot away from Joe right after he had poured more of her favorite poison and drank. The tables were spinning, her world was shifting and Derek was on a date.

The fifth shot gave her courage to look up at Rose and it was like stabbing her heart with a scalpel.

She could have it all. The house, the kids, the dying at one-hundred-and-ten in his arms. All.

And she couldn't.

Rose could laugh at his jokes, she could run her fingers through his hair while they made love, she could see the corner of his eyes crinkle when he was happy and her children might have his stunning blue eyes. She could hold his hand, she could hear his deep, soothing chuckle, she could find him in her bed, naked, waiting for her. She could smell him in elevators, she could snuggle into his chest first thing in the morning, when the bed was a place too comfortable to be left that early. Rose could be his partner, his lover, his fiancée, his wife and she couldn't.

She was out of the game. Gone. She had lost this battle.

She had win the battle with herself, she had opened her heart, but in the end, she had lost the war.

Meredith has always been a loser.

A loser who drowned tequila shots and pretended that the world didn't spin afterward.

_A lame ass, crappy loser_.

And Meredith hated it.

Her mother was right, she was just ordinary. An ordinary loser, while Rose could have it all. Everything that was hers now it could be Rose's and after the sixth, maybe the seventh shot, Meredith Grey was so tired to fight for it.

All ordinary people let things go gracefully and she would do the same.

She was ordinary after all.

* * *

><p><strong>I closed this series on a dark note. I know. But it started at Joe's and it ended at Joe's, that's my full circle.<strong>

**This had been quite the rollercoaster, uh? I enjoyed this journey immensely. It had been a discovery for me, a way to experiment on new techniques and force myself to write, even when I was almost sure it was better I'd give up. It baked in my hard drive for a long time and it's weird that it's over. I still can't quite believe it. **

**I have a few projects that are keeping me busy, I won't be MIA for long hopefully, but I honestly need a break. I will unlikely post something before July, as much as it pains me. I have exams coming up, again, and life is pretty busy. I wish I could just be on holiday right now, but that's a luxury that I still can't enjoy.**

**So, all in all, thank you to all my faithful readers, who reviewed every single adjective, especially _Juni_, who anonymously read the whole thing and always left her thoughts. Special mentions to _Danielle_ and _cahillfive_ anonymous as well but not unseen, _merderfan1_ for her quick reviews and her kindness. Shoutout to _nattylovesjordy_, the mind behind this project, she gave me permission to use her idea so she definitely needs a thank you! **

**I need to mention also _Mary91, MusicWritesMyLife, hockeyplayer, beccalovesmerder,TurnMyGriefToGrace, SweetLala92, _ who had been with this story probably from the very beginning and often -if not always- gave their feedback. It means a lot to me that you stayed all throughout this. To the people who reviewed and are not mentioned here: believe me, I saw each and ****every one of your reviews and I'm immensely grateful, I probably only missed your names as I scrolled back the reviews. **

**I'm so happy you people loved this story and I hope I had not ruined it with this last, sad chapter ;)**

**Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart. You were the ones that kept the ship sailing.**

**Irene**


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